A Taste of Surrender

As 2014 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on this year. Without a doubt, I have had an amazing year. 

If you look at it from the outside, you see my once in a life time trip to celebrate turing forty and a job that I absolutely love. On the inside there is so much more.

Surrender.

That word had hounded me, haunted me for the past two years. I've tried to run, but it has stayed hot on my heels. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Without borders?

Oh  how I have wanted to want that. How I want to want to let go, to surrender.

Will I (we) be called to go to Africa or the Middle East? Would I be willing to be obedient if we were?

I dared to take a taste of what surrender tastes like. I've put myself in the most uncomfortable situations this year. I've looked for ways to purposefully step out of my comfort zone. I've turned my ear to try to hear His voice in the soft whisper of the wind. When I heard it, I stepped out in obedience and oh the taste. I have  tasted and seen that the Lord is good.

The  God of the universe. The creator of heaven and earth has seen fit to allow this white, spoiled, over-pridleged, suburban woman play a part in what he's doing in the world. I am awe-struck.

The taste. The taste has left me hungry for more.

In 2015, I want to stay on the the heels of surrender. I want to see how this one turns out!

All things work for good

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. " Romans 8:28

This verse was my mom's favorite. If ever you asked her what verse was her favorite or what verse would represent her, it would be this one. August 5th will mark the fifth anniversary of her death. In these years since her death, as the date approaches, I think about the summer she died and life since her death. This year I've been thinking about her favorite verse; all things work for good. It made me wonder if I could find ways God has used her death to work for good. Can I meet the challenge Ann Voskamp met in "One Thousand Gifts" when she was challenged to give thanks in all things. 

A lifetime of sermons on "thanks in all things" and the shelves sagging with books on these things and I testify: life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless ailed through with one very specific nail at a time. Little nails and a steady hammer can rebuild a life-- eucharisto presences the miracle.

Am I going to allow the steady hammer to rebuild or change my life?

all things

give thanks in all things

all things work for good

Can I be thankful for the work for good?

Grief wasn't a new companion to me when my mom died. In our attempts to build a family, we had experienced the loss of new, unborn life. Along with that comes the grief of lost hopes and dreams for that child, those children. I began to get to know grief. After the first miscarriage we went out for coffee. I pondered Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." 

Hope. I needed hope and not hope for some future event. I needed hope right where I was. Knowing that this verse of often taken out of context I read on, "In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartly, you will find me. I will be found by you, says The Lord." Jeremiah 29:12-14a

There it was, the hope I needed. The hope for now.

I will listen.

I will be found by you.

The Lord was taking each step with me. 

After my mom died, grief became a much closer companion.  I wasn't prepared or the physical pain of grief. I was so sad I ached. I became grateful for my earlier loss, my earlier encounter with grief. 

I knew the Lord would listen.

I knew I would find the Lord. 

I knew each step I took in grief was not a step taken alone.

Jesus said it to his disciples, "I am always with you."

God said it to Abraham, "Lo, I am with you always."

Like the time when our first son was born 6 weeks premature, I knew without a doubt people were praying for me. I had peace that I could not explain. I had peace that was beyond my understanding.

In the following months and in the following years, I have gained intimacy with The Lord like I have never known before. I know at an entirely different level that when I cling to Him, He will uphold me (Psalm 63:8). For that, I am profoundly grateful. 

My journey through grief has work for good in my relationship with God, my understanding of who my mom was and who I am.

It may sound simple and it doesn't feel good, but I've come to believe Romans 8:28 isn't talking about God working things for warm, fuzzy good. He's working things for a greater good, a glorifying good.

This morning I read Jesus Calling and she quoted Romans 8:17, "And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering."

I want that. I want to share in his glory, so I will share in his suffering. If any good can come from my suffering, if even a google-th (a new word my boys made up) of the good that came from Christ's suffering can come from mine, I will suffer. 

So, no it's not a warm, fuzzy, feel-good, good that has come from losing my mom, but it is a good that I have come to accept and have even become to be thankful to have walked this road.

And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20b

Control-ectomy

The last two days have felt like major surgery.

I had kept telling myself that things would get better by Wednesday. By Wednesday we'll be in our rhythm and have the schedule down. 

I didn't realize how painful the journey would be to get to Wednesday.

Each day is a new adventure. Each day we seem to be operating on less and less sleep.

Tuesday afternoon things came to a head.  There's a tradition on this trip of going for ice cream. Big T and I were going back and forth about whether or not to go for ice cream. We had decided to go, I thought. Big T thought we were still undecided.

He took the boys swimming in the lake. When I realized there wasn't a lot of time left, I got a bag ready for them to go shower off so we'd be ready for ice cream. When I got to the beach, Big T and I had a disagreement about what was happening. Did I mention that he was about 30 feet out in the lake and I was up on shore? Did I also mention there were lots of people around?

In the end I took the boys for ice cream with the group. I didn't particularily want to go for ice cream, but I thought the boys wanted to go and it was a tradition. I felt so self-less. Self-righteous is more like it. I was fuming mad. I felt like Big T was being selfish and I was owed an apology. Not only that, I was going to hold a grudge and make him suffer. Seriously, who's supposed to be the adult on this trip?

The next morning Big T did apologize. I felt a little vindicated and knew in my head that I should apologize as well. 

I refused.

As I rode the bus to our ministry site I cried out to God. Deep down, way deep down, I didn't want to be angry any longer. A little closer to the surface, I totally wanted to stay mad. I was crying out to God for him to cut "self" and "control" out of me. Cut them out and fill in the gaping wound with himself and his control.

The words from "All that I am" come rushing back to me.

It's only in surrender that I'm free.

It's only in surrender that I'm truly free.

During our family time we had to answer the question, "What are you going to back home with you from this trip?"

A whole lot less of myself was my answer, my hope.

Hopefully I'll leave here with a whole lot less of myself.

Losing Control and Pelican Rapids

Be careful what you pray for, God may answer it.

Lord, I want to lose control. I want to live in complete surrender to you.

Each time I prayed this I did sincerely mean it. However, as I sit here in the midst of a missions trip, I'm not sure.

We're on a missions trip as a family. It's something Todd and I really wanted to do. We want to find ways for us to serve as a family. It's a deep burden of my heart that my boys have an awareness of the needs of others around them.

A friend told me about a speaker she heard who has trained her children to step into a room and ask themselves "How can I serve or be of help here?" Oh that my boys would have that written in their hearts and minds.

So here we are on a missions trip trying to instill in our boys service and the importance of putting others first.

What is going on in my mind?

I find myself thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home. When I can make my own schedule. When I can make my own plans. To be honest, I am literally feeling like a fish out of water, 

gasping

flailing

Trying to hold onto anything I can to give myself some control in the situation. Our cabin is neat as a pin. I keep telling my boys to put their shoes under their beds neatly.

Really? I mean, we are camping. But here in my cabin is the only place where I have any sense of order or control.

It's not that the trip so far has been unorderly, but this is the first year with so many families. We're still working out the kinks. Plus neither Todd nor I have been on this trip before. Not only are we trying to find our bearings, but we are trying to find them for our boys too.  

It's our second day and our formal ministry hasn't started yet. We aren't on our regular schedule. I keep telling myself things will be different a few days from know when we've got our schedule down.

Maybe then I'll feel like I've been thrown back into the water.

All That I Am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iucg_fLH68o

"All That I Am"

Take every treasure, take this life

Everything's on the altar now

No holding back, no holding out

In view of Your matchless sacrifice

Take every treasure, take this life

All that I am for all that You are, my Lord

All that I have for all that You are, You're the

Pearl beyond price, greater than life

All that I am for all that You are

Selfish ambition and my pride

I'm giving up, I'm letting die

In these empty hands I have it all, have it all

The pure joy of knowing You, my Lord

All that I am for all that You are, my Lord

All that I have for all that You are, You're the

Pearl beyond price, greater than life

All that I am for all that You are

It's only in surrender that I'm free

It's only in surrender that I'm truly free

It's only in surrender that I'm free

(All I have is Yours, my Lord)

It's only in surrender that I'm truly free

I am free, I am free indeed

I am free, I am free indeed

All that I am for all that You are, my Lord

All that I have for all that You are, You're the

Pearl beyond price, greater than life

All that I am for all that You are

Heritage

Now that I've been back a few days (and am somewhat adjusted to the time change) I've had the chance to reflect more about my trip.

Heritage

Aside from my 40th birthday, our family heritage was a catalyst for our trip. We visited Skibbereen, Ireland, and Isle of Skye, Scotland, because that's where some our ancestors were born and lived. 

We also visited lovely and grand estates and castles. My ancestors were not a part of the aristocracy. They were poor people who probably fled their homes, families and everything they knew for the hope of a better future.

They left everything they knew.

They left everyone they knew.

I believe it was when I was in a shop looking at Prince George's commemorative plates, bowls, cups, blankets, etc, etc, etc. I realized how much he is going to know of his families history. It's all documented so well. Many of us could even tell stories of Great-Great Grandfather and his speech impediment.

It's easy to get caught up in all the grandeur of it all. The immense estates. The immense wealth and privilege.

I must admit, and to many it will come as no surprise, that I am a sucker for British period drama. In many of the dramas I've watched, there's an emphasis on class, birth, or title. 

I would get caught up in it.

As I walked the ground where my ancestors walked, I almost felt apologetic that they were so humble.

However, when I was viewing the Crown Jewels at the Tower of London, I came to a great realisation. As I looked upon a solid gold punch bowl that was three feet wide and at least that high, I was sickened with the excess of it all. 

Why are these things praised?
Why are these things admired?
Why are these things coveted?

Yes, my ancestors were not of noble birth. However, they were the ones carrying the nation. They were the ones on whose back the nation was built.

Isn't that true in our nation?

Like my ancestors, I wasn't born a noble or titled birth. 

I come from a strong, hardworking lot. 

I come from a line of hard working farmers.

I come from a line of civil servants.

I come from a line of strong, independent women (no need to tell my husband that one).

I come from a line where family is 

valued

supported

honored

There is honor in that.

There is inspiration to be had there.

Friday, May 9th

Today was our last day and we made our best attempt to see as much of London as possible.

We had made the decision to go on a double decker bus tour where you can hop on and off. The weather looked like it was going to be a beautiful day, so we set out with high hopes for our day.

A wee bit into our bus ride, it began to rain. We were sitting atop the bus and my sister and I decided to head below. Good timing. The clouds opened and poured upon London. Imagine that, more rain in London.

We decided to make Buckingham Palace our first stop. We stepped off the bus not forgetting to grab our "yes we are tourist" complimentary rain ponchos.

The walk across Green Park was very beautiful.

As we approached Buckingham, we noticed crowds and crowds of people. We didn't know it, but we were arriving in time for the changing of the guard.

Here's my view.

Good thing I had my iPad. I used it like a big screen. The people around me and I watched parts on my iPad. All the pomp and circumstance was fun to see, but I really hate crowds.

The four of us got separated and waiting until the crowd dispersed before trying to find each other. Once we found everyone, we took a few pictures and then put our cameras away. Next thing I noticed was a caravan coming down the street. I thought it sort of looked like the Queen's caravan. A moment later she was driving by us! 

I can't believe I saw Queen Elizabeth II today!

We were all in disbelief. A "Bobbie" who was standing along the street turned to us and said, "didn't think you'd see the Queen today. Did ya?"

Such fun. Such good memories.

We made our way to St. James Park. We made a stop along the way for tea and coffee before heading to Westminster Abbey.

When we got to Westminster, we learned the Queen had been there for service today. She only goes there for service three days out of the year.

Down the road we continued to Elizabeth's Tower (which houses Big Ben), Parliment & Victoria's Tower.

Next we (not my aunt) took a ride on the London Eye. You can see it pictured above with Big Ben.

Here are some pictures from our ride.

(L to R) Victoria Tower, Parliment, Elizabeth II Tower (Big Ben) Westminster Abbey

The white dome is St. Paul's Cathedral

If you go from the tall building and move left, there is a greenish/blue building, an off-white building, and a brown building behind that. If you look closely (or make the picture larger) you can see four white towers from the Tower of London.

River Thames

Next we were off on a boat cruise on the River Thames. We went from Westminster Pier to Tower Pier. The guide was a character. The pictures aren't great. I was too lazy to get up and move. 

Tower Bridge

Tower of London

Finally we hopped on the tour bus and saw more of the city.

We ate our last dinner of Fish-n-Chips before heading back to our flat.

Tonight is our last sleep before going home.

This has been a great adventure, but this girl (can I still call myself that now that I'm forty?) is ready to go home...

Thursday, May 8th

There was rain in London today and so our plans had to change. 

We were to take the double decker bus tour, but opted to go to the Victoria & Albert Museum instead. 

We made our way through the Underground to Knightsbridge station and up to the museum.

Shortly after we got to the museum, I thought I would see if they had wifi. They do! I found a corner and called home hoping to catch everyone while they were getting ready for work and school.

I wasn't expecting the conversation I had.

I woke Todd up. He was sleeping in because he had been at the ER with the boys the night before. B was running a fever of 103. He's sick with possible pneumonia. The chest x-ray was inconclusive. Todd was planning on staying home with him and sending C to school. 

Here I am, thousands of miles away, and there is nothing I can do. Not that I can bring any healing if I was there, but I could cuddle, dote and take care.

I. have. no. control.

I can feel myself curling.

There I was in a public place and all I wanted to do was break down and cry. Todd had reassured me that everything was fine. Everything was being taken care of.

He's in good hands. He's in good hands.

I decided to step into a gallery. It was a gallery of religous art and carvings. There were carvings all over  of Jesus' resurrection. 

Jesus' death and resurrection.

Jesus conquered death, for B. Jesus tells the wind to stop and the storm calms. He is all powerful.

My choice is to worry or to trust. 

Haven't I been here before? Wasn't I in this place two weeks ago?

If I'm honest, don't I make this choice each day?

Even though I know I can trust, I still want to run to a computer and change my ticket so I can go home.

Three hours later we were still at the museum so I Skyped again. I was relieved to find out B was doing so much better. He's on a lot of medicine, but he's feeling much better.

It was good to hear that news....

After leaving the Victoria & Albert museum, we headed for Selfridges.

My aunt and I are fans of the PBS show about Selfridge (such a sad story). It was fun to see it in person.

We headed back to our flat for dinner, pinochle and some rest. 

I had a chance to Skype with the guys back home. B is doing pretty well. It was good to see all their faces. I'm still anxious to get home and see them, but I'm feeling less worried.

Tomorrow is our last day of touring.

Big Ben

Parliment

Westminster Abbey

Buckingham Palace

Trafalgar Square

It's going to be a busy day!

Wednesday, May 7th

After sleeping in, leisurely getting ready and not packing our suitcases for the next stop, we left our flat in South Kensington. We headed for the Tower of London.

The sun was shining beautifully when we arrived, but clouds soon rolled over. Our tour guide, a Yeoman (pictured below), had to stop our tour because the clouds opened and began to sprinkle rain down on us.

We continued our tour on our own. Here's a glimpse of Tower Bridge from inside the walls of Tower of London.

Here's a view from our walk back to the Underground.

We left the Tower and a few Underground stops later, we were at St. Paul's Cathedral. We walked round the whole outside. You can see there was beautiful blue sky overhead.

We made a final visit to Harrod's before coming back to our flat. It was only about 6PM, but we were all done for the day. Dinner and a game of Head's Up finished our day. 

Now it's time to rest before another busy day seeing the London sights.

Speaking of which, I must say that I am not a city girl. When I think back to my trip to here 12 years ago, I remembered the historic places we visited. I didn't think about the crowded, busy streets filled with rude people (I'm sure that's not totally true, but it feels true). It's good perspective to be the tourist. Hopefully I'll be more understanding when I meet tourists in my area.

Tuesday, May 6th

Today we went to Highclere Castle.

I was so giddy. My feelings can best be expressed by this picture.

We drove up the driveway listening to the Downton Abbey theme.

I got teary. There I admitted it.

It was a very surreal, post-modern feeling to walk through a place I have seen so much and come to learn so much about.

Not only did I get to see where Downton Abbey is filmed, but I also got to see where Lady Almina and Lady Catherine lived (the current (8th) Countess of Canarvon wrote books about the 5th & 6th Countess of Canarvons). 

It was just an absolutely, perfect, exceeded my expectations kind of day.

It looks quite small from the car park.

Another very fun part of the day was meeting my Facebook friend Teresa. We started chatting on the Highclere Castle Facebook page back in November when we were trying to get tickets. We ended up getting tickets for the same day. I had morning. She had "arvo". I'm told that's Aussie for afternoon.

I was't sure we'd be able to find each other, but just as we were preparing to leave, I heard someone calling my name. Sure enough it was Teresa calling for me. Quite instictively, I dropped my bags and ran toward her. It was such fun to meet her in person after chatting for the last few months via Facebook. I even got to meet her two sisters with whom she is travelling.

Tonight we're settling into our flat in London. We're all pretty spent. Better get some rest before the final leg of our journey begins. 

Saturday, May 3rd

My sistere and I met for breakfast at Rhubarb, Prestonfield house. We both had Eggs Benedict with duck eggs, ham and potato biscuits. It was so rich and so good.

The kilted Scottish lads brought our luggage down to the car and we were off to the airport.

What a difference driving Saturday morning versus Friday after can make! We were to the airport in no time.

We turned on our rental (our Audi:) and headed to check in for our flight.

When we flew from Dublin to Edinburgh, we were told that our first bag was free, but we would be charged €50/kg for the second bag. In the end, she didn't charge us anything. I think she took compassion on us because we hadn't flown Aer Lingus from the US. 

That experience made me a bit leery about our Virgin Atlantic flight from Edinburgh to London. Again, they must have taken compassion on us because they did not charge us for our extra bags!!

I hadn't flown Virgin before. It reminded me of the show PanAm about when that airline started. All the flight attendance were smartly dress and had their hair styled the same. It was quite a good experience.

When we landed in London, we got our bags and headed to car rentals. As we approached the car rental desk, we were near arrivals and someone young and famous must have arrived. All the sudden about a hundred your girls screamed at the top of their lungs and began to scurry about the terminal. Since I don't know that many famous, young Brits, I'm going to say it was One Direction. At least that'll make for a good story.

After decided to upgrade our car to a Volvo XC60 (we have an indecent amount of luggage), we began our journey to Oxford. We were hoping to go to the place where C.S. Lewis penned some of his works. Unfortunately, everything ran behind and we arrived in Oxford later than expected. The C.S. Lewis walk we had hoped to do was an on-line itinerary. Not knowing that, we hadn't printed it. So, we decided to wander about Oxford.

One souvenir request I had gotten was for "something Narnia". Unfortunately, they didn't have anything Narnia. It was all Harry Potter (which I'm not a particular fan of). However, I did find a book of chronicles C.S. Lewis wrote before he wrote the Chronicles of Narnia. It's call the Boxen. I'm hoping it'll suffice. 

My aunt is a big Inspector Morse/Lewis fan, so we decided to take lunch/supper at The Trout Inn just outside of Oxford. It was delightfully located along a river. It was a gorgeous day, so we even got to sit outside. 

Finally, we were off to our B&B, The Jays. I had emailed back and forth a bit with the owner and I'm very excited to meet her.

Monday, May 5th

Breakfast at Thornbury 

After awaking to the view above, we gathered in the courtyard below for breakfast.

Could there be a better way to begin a day? The sun was shining warm on us and because it was a bit windy, no one else ventured outside. 

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

From Thornbury, we were next on to Bath. I didn't want to carry my iPad with me, so picture will again have to wait.

Driving in Bath was a nightmare. The roads were so confusing. I kept driving in circles and even ended up going the wrong way on a one way. There was a very nice Englishman who told be to just wave my arms and yell, "I'm an American! I'm an American!" We all had a good laugh about it. However, I don't think I needed to yell or even wave my arms. I think it was plain to see how American I am.

When we finally got the car parked, we eventually found our way to the Roman Baths and Pump House. The Roman Baths are believed to be from about 70AD. It was amazing to see something just a few decades after Christ's death and resurrection.

As if we didn't stick out enough, we decided to take the open double-decker bus tour through town. It was really a grand idea and we were all glad we did it.

We got off at the stop nearest the Jane Austen Centre. I had been to it 12 years ago when I was over here for the first time. It has changed so much for the better since then. The displays and talks were so much better than I remember them. The best part was reliving parts of one of my favorite Jane Austen books "Persuasion". Such fun.

It was time to get back on the tour bus and complete our tour of the city.

After dinner in the Crystal Palace Pub, we were headed to The Yew Tree Pub in Highclere for our final sleep before Highclere Castle.

We decided to spend a little time in the pub for drinks and dessert in this cozy cove.

What a lovely way to cap off our evening...

I hope I'm able to sleep tonight!

Sunday, May 4th

Today we went to church in Burford. The church was started in the 1100's, 1100's!

The service was a contemporary Anglican service. The sermon was about Jesus' temptations and the vicar did a great job of making each one applicable. If you want to check it out: www.burfordchurch.org.

We took a picture with our B&B hosts who were absolutely delightful, kindred spirits really. Look up The Jays in Carterton if you're ever here.

At the suggestion of our hosts, we decided to skip seeing the Downton Abbey church in Bampton and spend our time driving through the Cotswolds. I would say it was time well spent.

We stopped for lunch in Stow on the Wold.

Going at a leisurely pace, we decided to head to our accommodations for the night: Thornbury Castle.

It's next to the parish church.

The views are lovely.

We sat in the courtyard and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine.

Then we headed into the dining room for dinner then back to the room for dessert (from the picture above) and tea.

All in all it was a delightful, brilliant day.

Fun Fact: I found out that my friend's family had a connection to Thornbury Castle. Such fun!

 

Friday, May 2nd

We ate our last breakfast on the Isle of Skye and headed back over the Highlands.

The views were amazing, breath-taking, awe inspiring. Even though the drive took us nearly five hours, it did not feel like it was that long.

We hit Edinburgh at Friday afternoon traffic. It was quite crazy, but Ellie was able to navigate her way through the city. Thanks to our navigation system. Seriously, how did people get around old cities before GPS?!

We finally made it to our oasis within Edinburgh. We stayed at the Prestonfield House.

www.prestonfield.com/experience-prestonfield-video.html 

It was so amazingly nice. I felt a little out of place. I'm not used to living that opulently. 

We were shown to our rooms and them a taxi was ordered to whisk us off to Edinburgh Castle. So amazing to be where so much history has taken place.

Again I forgot to take my iPad, so pictures will have to come later.

We returned to the Prestonfield House to get ready for dinner at Rhubarb, the restaurant on site.

We all decided to have the Chateaubriand. It was delicious. The Rhubarb brought a special dessert and my sisters gave me Waterford Crystal to celebrate. My aunt gave "Pride & Prejudice the game" to me before we left for the trip.

It was delightful. 

Thursday, May 1st

Today was a brilliant day. We began our day with breakfast and this view.

After breakfast we lounged in our jammies in common room. There wasn't anyone else staying so we had the place to ourselves. We had one of those talks that only women with decades of history can have. We shared from our hearts and the depths of our soul. It was a sacred space and time.

We're staying another night here on the Isle of Skye and in this B&B, so we can leave our luggage. It feels like a luxury to not have our car packed to the brim.

Like all the other drives in Scotland, the view was a-mazing. Unfortunately my iPad was charging and I didn't have it with me. So I'll have to post pictures from that later.

We made our way to Taliskers Distillery. Again, pictures to come later. They were having a busy day and we needed to wait for about an hour and half before we could take a tour. So we made our way down the road a wee bit to the The Old Inn pub for coffee and tea. It was grand to have a moment to sit and soak in the local atmosphere. At one point, there were a couple of local men behind us talking. I turn to look at them and when I turn back round to my group, we were all sitting there with silly grins on our faces....loving every moment of it.

Our B&B host, Fiona, had mentioned a Fairy Forest, at least that is what I heard her say. I asked the gentleman at Taliskers where the Fairy Forest was. He looked at me strangely (not the first strange look I've gotten this trip). He said there were fairy pools, but a forest. He asked someone else about a Fairy Forest and she said the fairy pools and also said there was a Fairy Glen north in Uig (oo-ig). I said maybe that's it and just translated glen to forest.

It wasn't much later I heard my sister (who wasn't with me when I was asking) asking the very same man about the Fairy Forest. I said, "oh, she's my sister." We had a good laugh about it. He asked if we were taking the tour, we said we were at 3:20. He said, "oh, no that's my tour." He was very fun.

The tour was quite interesting. So many processes and so much time to make scotch whiskey. One fun fact we learned was in order to be called Scotch, it has to be made in Scotland and age in wooden barrel for three years.

We had a dram at the end of the tour... It was quite good.

After spending lots of time it the shop after, getting good advice from our new friend, we were off back to Kyleakin (kia-lahkin). We'd been travelling for nearly a week and it was time to do laundry.

We went to the next town, started our laundry and headed for the pub for dinner. We all had some of the local fish and seafood. 

Finally, we were on our way back to the B&B for rest and to ready to head to Edinburgh.

Wednesday, April 30th

I wasn't prepared for how much Scotland would mean to me.

I had always gravitated to my Irish roots. I knew I was Scottish, but my interest usually went toward Ireland.

Ireland, I thought, would remind my of my mom. She had been there and loved it, but Ireland didn't have this effect on me.

It's difficult to discribe. I remember hearing Liz Curtis Higgs talk about Scotland and her love for it. I didn't really get what she meant until now.

We arrived not long before sunset. A mist was rolling in over the mountains and the sun was beginning to set.

Today we visited Balmoral Castle. It's where the royal family go on holiday.

Queen Victoria purchased it for Prince Albert and spoke about how much her Highland getaway meant to her. I can understand why. The estate is 50,000 acres. We're currently staying on the Isle of Skye which is 20,000. That really puts things into perspective. The grounds, the gardens were all undisappointingly beautiful.

It was at Balmoral that the weight, the value of the trip hit us all. We had a wonderful, tearfilled moment because we are so thankful and so amazed that we are actually here!

After leavinng Balmoral, we drove throught the Highlands. Amazing, rugged, peaks. All this with the bagpipes playing an accompaniment in the background. At the risk of sounding like Drew Barrymore, "it was magical".

We arrived at our B&B early, which was so nice. Our view is absolutely breath-taking.

Am I really here? Can this be real??

Off to the pub for fish and chips.

I felt as though I never knew myself

"I felt as though I never knew myself"

If you don't recognize it, that's a line from Pride & Prejudice. It's after Elizabeth realizes she was wrong about Wickham and wrong about Darcy. As she's talking to her sister, she says,

"I felt as though I never knew myself."

In conversation with my sister yesterday, I came away with that same feeling. "I feel as though I don't know myself."

All along this trip I have been trying to be mindful of where my controlling tendencies were rearing their nasty heads. You see it's a fine line. I'm organized. I'm good at coordinating, thinking ahead so we can be efficient. However, those qualities can slip over into controlling

and I don't even know it.

I do not see it.

I don't hear it in my voice.

My travelling companions have all heard it though. The word they used is "abrupt". Now if you know me, you may be thinking, "oh, I've seen that" or "oh, I know that about you". 

I didn't know.

I did not see.

Now I'm left feeling as though I don't know myself.

My self defences are kicking in and I want to explain. I want to justify. But I am "attempting to lose control". I do feel quite out of control.

I feel like an animal whose been wounded in battle. I want to go deep into the woods and lick my wounds. Go, be by myself and have a good cry. Usually I would stuff it, put on a pleasent face and move forward.

Forward? 

No, that would be moving around it. Like a stack of papers you know you should go through, but just don't want to take the time, the effort.

So here I sit. On the verge of tears. What will I do with this?

Will I go around it?

Will I move through it?

I feel as though I do not know myself.

Tuesday, April 29th

Galway.

We all slept hard. We've been on the move since we got here. Maybe trying to see whole country of Ireland in four days was a stretch.

We welcomed having a low key day. We visited Key Street in Gallway. It's a beautiful pedestrian only street lined with shops, cafes and people busking (playing for money). It was glorious. All the store fronts are a different color, so many people and languages.

My goal for the day was to purchase another Cladaugh ring. My mom had gotten one for me when she was here in 1995, but the band snapped. The first store I went in didn't have the correct size. They sent me to Thomas Dillons. I came to find out that Thomas Dillon has the rights to the original Cladaugh design. It's been around for 264 years. I knew Cladaughs were from Galway, but I didn't know the rest.

After shopping for a bit in Galway, we made out may across Ireland to Dublin (it only takes 2 hours to cross the entire country). We stopped to fill our BMW with diesel and 90 EURO later we were back on the road. Fun Fact, it said we could go another 756 miles on our tank of gas.

Now it's time to leave the Emerald Isle and head for the Highlands and a bit of a slower pace. I noticed on out itinerary that our plane is a TurboProp. What does a TurboProp look like ?

Our flight was pretty uneventful. The flight attendant was very sweet. I purchased something on the plane and used a credit card to pay for it. She borrowed a pen from another flight attend for me to sign the slip. Little did she know that I was carrying 14 pens with me. I'm not sure why I'm hoarding pens. Anyway, I signed the slip with my pen and told her to keep my pen because I had 13 others. She was so touched by it. Then my sister, who brought Minnesota pens for us to leave at B&B's where we stay, said we should give a MN pen to her. We did and explained that MN is where we're from. She was so touched that she gave us each a candybar. Then later she came back to tell us she didn't want to use the pens for fear she'd lose them and theiir so special....

It's amazing how far a little kindness can go.

We landed in Scotland and all four of us seemed to have renewed energy. This is the country none of us have visited. 

Tonight we're staying in Kinross, just north of Edinburgh. Tomorrow we're off to Balmoral Castle and Isle of Skye. We'll drive through the Highlands and along Loch Ness. Maybe we'll see Nessie?!

Monday, April 28th

I sleep so well, I forgot where I was. I sure did need that. Actually, we all slept in late. 

We had breakfast in a beautiful diningroom. Tender homemade scones, eggs, toast, sausage and bacon. 

Our first stop of the day was Ross Castle.

Ross Castle is a 15th century castle built around the 1450's. It was used for about 200 years, then left to fall into disrepair. In the 1950's a group of American businessmen bought the castle and the land with the intention of developing it as a holiday destination. One of the businessmen realized it would be wrong to do that. He bought out everyone in the group and set to renovating the castle. He pulled in the Irish government and they spent 20 years renovating the castle with Irish craftmen and artisians. When renovations were complete, he handed the castle and the land over to the Irish government. It was nice to hear of an American doing something to preverse history versus making money.

It was at Ross Castle that I finally felt like, "oh my goodness, I'm here!" I think it's because I'm finally on Irish time and not operating on a deficit. 

Before heading out of Killarny, we stopped for some picnic food and headed toward the Dingle Peninsula. I was behind the wheel again today. This was all going to be familiar road for me and I wanted Ellie to get to see it all.

We finally found our way into the city of Dingle. We arrived at 2:35 and to make the ferry in the next stop, we had to leave by 3:00. Tensions were beginning to rise and we all realized the schedule was too tight. We need to have some give in our schedule. We decided to skip the Cliffs of Moher and take a more leisurely pace.

We shopped in Dingle for awhile before decided to head out. 

I suggested we take Connor Pass. It's a beautiful drive with amazing views.

This was all looking familiar to me. We came to a stop along the road and I knew there was a mountain lake just a short hike up. When Todd and I were here, our friend took a picture of us standing in the stream.

It was as breath-taking as I remembered.

The mountain roads were just as I remembered. walled or cliffed on one side, cliff drop on the other side and narrow (at times only one lane). The ferry runs every hour on the half hour and out GPS was telling us that we were going to arrive at 6:23, then 6:27, finally 6:29. If we didn't make it, we were going to have to wait an hour. For those who know me well, you'll not be surprised that I drove like a local. I also prayed hard. Not a trusting prayer mind you. It was more like, "Lord, we really need to make the ferry. You will please help us? I mean, I know you can, but you probably won't". Oh me of little faith.

They had just closed the gate when we drove up. I stopped at the queue then inched forward. The very nice Irishman saw us and opened the gate. I honestly think it was about 20 seconds after we got on that the ferry was moving. "Thank you Lord". A 20 minute ferry ride and we were on our way.

The next leg of the journey felt like it took forever. We tired twice to stop at a pub for dinner, but they weren't serving or were already done serving. I really didn't want to arrive after dark to Galway, but we did. I'm so ready for bed. It's been a long (but good) day.