This verse was my mom's favorite. If ever you asked her what verse was her favorite or what verse would represent her, it would be this one. August 5th will mark the fifth anniversary of her death. In these years since her death, as the date approaches, I think about the summer she died and life since her death. This year I've been thinking about her favorite verse; all things work for good. It made me wonder if I could find ways God has used her death to work for good. Can I meet the challenge Ann Voskamp met in "One Thousand Gifts" when she was challenged to give thanks in all things.
A lifetime of sermons on "thanks in all things" and the shelves sagging with books on these things and I testify: life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless ailed through with one very specific nail at a time. Little nails and a steady hammer can rebuild a life-- eucharisto presences the miracle.
Am I going to allow the steady hammer to rebuild or change my life?
all things
give thanks in all things
all things work for good
Can I be thankful for the work for good?
Grief wasn't a new companion to me when my mom died. In our attempts to build a family, we had experienced the loss of new, unborn life. Along with that comes the grief of lost hopes and dreams for that child, those children. I began to get to know grief. After the first miscarriage we went out for coffee. I pondered Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope."
Hope. I needed hope and not hope for some future event. I needed hope right where I was. Knowing that this verse of often taken out of context I read on, "In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartly, you will find me. I will be found by you, says The Lord." Jeremiah 29:12-14a
There it was, the hope I needed. The hope for now.
I will listen.
I will be found by you.
The Lord was taking each step with me.
After my mom died, grief became a much closer companion. I wasn't prepared or the physical pain of grief. I was so sad I ached. I became grateful for my earlier loss, my earlier encounter with grief.
I knew the Lord would listen.
I knew I would find the Lord.
I knew each step I took in grief was not a step taken alone.
Jesus said it to his disciples, "I am always with you."
God said it to Abraham, "Lo, I am with you always."
Like the time when our first son was born 6 weeks premature, I knew without a doubt people were praying for me. I had peace that I could not explain. I had peace that was beyond my understanding.
In the following months and in the following years, I have gained intimacy with The Lord like I have never known before. I know at an entirely different level that when I cling to Him, He will uphold me (Psalm 63:8). For that, I am profoundly grateful.
My journey through grief has work for good in my relationship with God, my understanding of who my mom was and who I am.
It may sound simple and it doesn't feel good, but I've come to believe Romans 8:28 isn't talking about God working things for warm, fuzzy good. He's working things for a greater good, a glorifying good.
This morning I read Jesus Calling and she quoted Romans 8:17, "And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering."
I want that. I want to share in his glory, so I will share in his suffering. If any good can come from my suffering, if even a google-th (a new word my boys made up) of the good that came from Christ's suffering can come from mine, I will suffer.
So, no it's not a warm, fuzzy, feel-good, good that has come from losing my mom, but it is a good that I have come to accept and have even become to be thankful to have walked this road.
And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20b
