Lessons Learned: Broken

I'm broken. I'm weak. I feel unsure.

The past several days have been like cliff jumping. I stood at the edge looking down at the water considering whether or not I should jump. A property we were seriously looking at for Retreat House was going to receive an offer and we weren't ready to make an offer yet. There was still information to be gathered. I didn't want to rush the process, but I also wanted to be obedient and jump if I was supposed to jump.

The day was spent talking with God. I had recently been listening to a podcast where the hosts were interviewing each other. One asked the other how she keeps a vision fresh. She answered that she keeps the vision in its proper place. The vision is not God. She doesn't let the vision take the place of God. By seeking God and what he has, that keeps the vision fresh. So I was seeking God, begging Him to lead, to give wisdom, to give clarity to our next steps. I called out. I listened. Then I suddenly realized I was missing something. I wasn't pouring my heart out to God. I wasn't telling Him what I wanted, where I believe he was leading.

I wasn't sure I could trust Him with the desires of my heart.

There have been two times in my life when I can remember I honestly and completely (or as completely as I could) poured my heart and desires to God. The first was when I had just come to know God. I had always known about God, but had just realized that I could know Him and be in relationship with Him. At the same time my dear aunt was fighting a losing battle with cancer. I knew God could heal her. I believed God could heal her. I prayed for God to heal her. She lost her battle October 1993. I didn't understand, but was so new to this relationship, that I sought God and wanted to try to understand His ways. It shook me, but I still clung to Him.

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you; your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:7-8

Another time I poured myself out to God was my mom was fighting uterine cancer. I begged, I trusted, I believed God to heal her. I knew He could heal her. She lost her battle August 2009. God could have healed her, but He didn't. This threw me into a crisis of faith. I knew God could heal her. I believe miraculous healing still happen today. He could have healed her, but He didn't.  I had a cohort group of friends at the time who sat with me in my grief and spoke truth (sometimes hard truth, but they had earned that right) to me. I was able to get to a place where I was able to make peace with the healing that didn't come. I really thought I was in a good place.

But here I was unsure I could trust Him with the desires of my heart. I burst into tears, a real ugly cry, and poured myself out. I told Him I wanted to property. I told Him I thought it is perfect for the vision, the vision I believe He gave to me for Retreat House. I begged Him to lead and guide. I desperately didn't want to be disobedient. I didn't want to end up saying If only we had...

Todd agreed to take a step and turn our paperwork into the bank. I spend the rest of the day and part of the next preparing a binder that would make Leslie Knope proud. It contained our life, at least our financial life. I dropped it off and away I went to the Set Apart Conference.

Did I not mention that yet? Yes this was all happening during the conference. After dropping off our life to the bank, I started my Set Apart responsibilities. I picked Ann  up at the hotel to bring her to the conference. I had hosted her four years ago when she was with us. That's not to say there was no excitement, but it was the excitement to see a friend you haven't seen in a long while.

She asked how I was doing and I told her about dropping off my life at the bank. At different down times she would ask how I was doing. It must be her willingness to be broken first, but I let it all out. I've said before how I have a tendency to over-share. There were times with Ann and other dear friends who are also taking steps on obedience that were so encouraging to step forward off that cliff and let myself free fall. It felt exhilarating and exciting and like I wanted to throw up. I had decided and told myself and Todd I couldn't make any decisions until Sunday. There were too many emotions and not enough sleep to be of sound mind and body until Sunday. Even on Sunday I felt like I had a Set Apart hangover. Different times of the day Todd and I would talk about it. We had a super helpful conversation with our realtor (who is also a good friend and neighbor). I asked Todd if he felt we should make an offer. See this blog entry as to why he was vague in his reply. I ran numbers again. I considered the many variable in play. I considered all the unknowns. I came to the conclusion that we should not make an offer on the property. I sent an email to the realtor and banker and went to bed, wondering how I would feel in the morning.

Peaceful. I woke up feeling peace about the decision I made. I still feel broken. I feel tender and vulnerable in laying myself out as I have. When I told one of my sisters about my fear to really trust, she reflected back to me that I shared my unspoken broken with her. I guess I wanted to share it with you too. I want to be honest with you about this adventure of Retreat House. I thought it was about opening a business, but I'm learning it more than that. It's becoming a refining, stretching, healing process for me. I stood at the edge of the cliff. I stepped off into a free fall and made a splash in the water. Now I'm making the climb to jump again when the time comes. I'm still broken. I still feel weak, but I'm sure we made the right decision.

Lessons Learned: Success Turned Upside Down

The Kingdom of God turns everything in our world upside down. The last is first, give and you will receive. I've heard this a lot lately in podcasts and at conferences, but I'm learning it applies to other areas as well.

Fear of Failure has stopped me in my tracks my whole life. Actually I would have to say fear has stopped me before I've even gotten started. 
fear of failing
fear of looking weak
fear of being hurt
fear of being exposed
fear of being loved
fear of being rejected
fear of being abandoned
fear of myself
fear of others
fear of fear
I'm just full of it. I've talked about my extraordinary ability to awfulize. I think this is directly related to my fear. It has consumed me and I let it. I let it rob me of opportunities. I let it rob me of being all of who I am. I let it rob me of seeing God come and move and show himself. Well not any longer.

Don't get me wrong, I still have fear. I can go dark places fast, but I'm tired of being robbed of all the goodness God has for me. 

Just today on Facebook a friend quoted a blogger who said, "Just because it's hard doesn't mean you heard God wrong." Yes! Yes! Yes! I would go even farther and say that even if you're not "successful", it doesn't mean you heard God wrong.

This lesson has taken me a loooong time to learn. The first failure I remember from when I thought I was being obedient was when I said I would lead a Bible study on Hosea. I bought the books. I made the cutest schedules and bookmarks. I stood at the table with the other study leaders and watched their lists fill while mine remained empty. EMPTY! No one, not one person signed up for the study! I was embarrassed. I thought for sure I was doing what God was leading me to do. I wanted to be obedient and honestly thought I was. Why was I failing? Why did no one sign up for the study? I have to be honest that other fears quickly took over. I was afraid I would do a horrible job leading , so there was some relief in that.
Have I mentioned that Positivity is one of my top five Strength Finders? I know, super fun right? I have a whole bunch of fears, but I can be super positive about them. I'm that person people hate to sit next to on a plane. I have an abundance of fears, I overshare, and I can be super positive. Seriously, pray for my friends. Pray for my husband! 

This tension of fear and positivity plus my desire to be obedient has made for fun ride. 

My most recent realization is that I transfer my fear into viewing my husband as unsupportive. Let me give you an example. We went to look at a property for Retreat House. The property would work beautifully for the big vision of what Retreat House will be. I was so freaked out that this is actually happening that fear began to take hold. I wasn't even completely aware of it. I just started to think about what it would take from Todd and me financially to make this go. I started telling myself that it wouldn't move forward because Todd would never go for that risk. I festered about it for the rest of the afternoon. When Todd got home that evening and asked what I thought about the property, he got a rambling of all I had been thinking, part of which was how I didn't feel like he was supportive and wouldn't take the risk needed. (I'm so lucky he takes his marriage vows seriously.) He sat down with me to look at financials (always a super fun topic in marriage, right?). We talked about some possibilities and I asked if he'd be willing and he said he is. I was humbled. I immediately apologized. God was gracious enough to let me see what I was doing. I confessed that I was freaking out about how big this is and was convincing myself that it was Todd who wasn't on board. It's not that I'm not being obedient. It's that my husband isn't supportive. Seriously, pray for my husband. He was so gracious! 

I had to step back and remember what I've been learning. My success isn't in a well run, super busy business. I hope for that. I work toward that. I research and work to that end, but that is not where my success is. My success is taking steps in obedience, just taking one step at a time. My success is keeping my eyes focused on where God is leading this business called Retreat House. Therefore, my failure is no longer in Retreat House never being realized or not being financially viable. My failure is not taking the step. My failure is in not being obedient. That is upside down from this world in which we find ourselves living.

I'm so thankful the Kingdom of God turns everything in our world upside down. I can get on board with that. I can rest in that. I can step in obedience in that.