I am a fern (repost)

Recently a friend posted a picture of a fern that had burst from the ground and was beginning to unfurl. It reminded me of this post from a few years ago. I'm continuing to unfurl...

In 2003 my husband and I took and amazing trip to Washington state. We had been to England & Ireland the year before. Even though we were in Ireland during the rainy season, there hadn't been much rain and it wasn't green like I expected it to be. Washington was every bit as green as I thought Ireland was going to be.







We spent a couple of days in Seattle, then headed for the Olympic Peninsula. It. was. gorgeous. Not only were the shades of green amazing, but the lichen, the plant and the flowers were amazing.








Something I kept noticing were the ferns. Have you ever really looked at a fern as it grows? I've work in Aveda salons for well over a decade and would see it all the time.









A tiny shoot comes out of the ground. All the leaves are curled in and the stem is wound like a pinwheel.

It's only when the fern grows that the pinwheel unwinds and the leaves begin to uncurl. It grows and grows until not only is it open, it's bent over backwards basking in the warmth of sun.

I am like that fern, all curled into myself. Not only do I hang on tight to the things in life, I bring it into myself and curl my grip around it.

Surrender it to me. I hear the Lord say. Instead of releasing my grip, I hold on tighter, curl in tighter.

Only in the three years since my mom lost her battle with cancer have I really seen any noticeable growth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bent over backwards, basking in the presence of the Lord, but

I am beginning to uncurl.
          I am beginning to loosen my grip.
                    I'm am beginning to surrender.

Lessons Learned: Trust

This is a lesson I learn over and over and over. I guess it would be more accurate to say it's a lesson I'm learning.

The best way to describe the last few weeks is I'm sitting in rubble. After the faith crisis I had following my mom's death, I built a wall of protection. The crisis of faith was so jarring that I did what I needed to do to prevent myself from going there again. But my jump off the cliff had shattered that wall and I was left sitting in the rubble. 

As I sat in the rubble, I thought about the messages I heard at Set Apart. There is power in speaking our unspoken broken and that Jesus redeems our brokenness. Unsure of what to do next, I just sat there. I didn't want to rebuild the wall, but I wasn't sure how to move forward without it. 

I went numb. The busyness of Spring Break travel and viruses seeping through my family distracted me from the rubble. Then one day everyone went back to work and school and I was faced with the rubble all around me. I felt paralyzed. Paralyzed by my own fear and insecurity. I'm so tired of feeling insecure and the weirdness that is me when I'm insecure. 

It's the season of Lent and I've been doing a study of Isaiah. I haven't read through Isaiah in a couple decades. I forgot how confusing and hard to understand it can be. The first twenty-four chapters left me still feeling more thirsty for God. Then came chapters twenty-five & six.

O Lord, I will honor and praise your name,

for you are my God.

You do such wonderful things!

You planned them long ago,

and now you have accomplished them.

Isaiah 25:1

You will keep in perfect peace

all who trust in you,

all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Trust in the Lord always,

for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.

Isaiah 26:3-4

Fear and insecurity are the result of looking at me, making it about me, trusting in me. My eyes have not been fixed on God. They've been fixed on me. And so there's been no peace. After fear and insecurity came doubt. Doubt is so sly. Did God really call me to Retreat House? Is this really a good/viable idea? 

Oh the doubt. 

Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,

for my depression deepens.

Don’t turn away from me,

or I will die.

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,

for I am trusting you.

Show me where to walk,

for I give myself to you.

Psalm 143:7-8

This verse put to words what I had been feeling, but couldn't find a way to express. I was in rubble and darkness. I had lost hope and confidence in what God has called me to do. I needed to hear his voice.

I went back to a podcast that often speaks to me. They talked about how God has already come for us. Emanuel. God with us. He had put on the skin of this world and walked life here. He has already come, and we simply need to respond, but we put up barriers. One of the barriers they talked about was battles. I was reminded of the battle between God and an enemy who actively works against God's plans. This enemy seeks to kill and destroy (John 10:10). I was believing the doubts. I was giving into my fears and insecurities. I needed to stand, even in the midst of the rubble and begin to move. To at least put one foot in front of the other. I needed to remind myself of what God has called me to do. 

To enjoy your work and 

accept your lot in life—

this is indeed a gift from God. 

God keeps such people so busy enjoying life 

that they take no time to brood over the past.

Ecclesiastes 5:19-20

Get on with it already is what I was hearing from the Lord. Much like in in Psalm 46:10 when he says Be still, and know that I am God. It could also be translated as Enough, know that I am God. HE is God. I know that, now I must choose to live like I know it. 

I put one foot in front of the other and started to move forward. In preparing to write the script for our video, I went back and read my business plan with the vision and mission of Retreat House. It's really good, something I could get on board with doing. I just needed to be reminded of all God has led me to do so far. 

There's a long road ahead, but I'm going to choose to put one foot in front of the other and step into what God is calling me. It's messier now there's all this rubble around me, but I don't want to use the rubble to rebuild the wall. I want to allow the Holy Spirit to work in me, to heal what needs to be healed and to grind to sand what needs to be further broken a part. 

This I know. God has brought me this far, he'll not abandon me. He's equipped me for this work. That's not to say there still isn't a huge learning curve in front of me. There is. But I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and see where He takes me.