Something you have to understand about me is I like attention. I'm the youngest in my family and have some of the common youngest personality traits; I'm good at avoiding work and I like attention. If you ask my sisters, they'll back this up. Goodness, my name plate at work says my title is Superstar Diva of Calvary the Musical.
So when I have prayed and surrendered, I fully expected that I was going to get a Jennie Allen type of call on my life. I fully thought the vision or call I sensed a couple decades earlier when I was watching Lucy Swindoll at Women of Faith would come to be. As I watched Lucy on the stage I felt God was telling me that was what he had for me, but there was more life for me to live first. Of course in my early twenty-something confidence I didn't want to wait, didn't understand what I could learn that I didn't already know. I was ready to go. Bring it on I told God. Oh my goodness. It's a good thing I didn't realize then all I needed (still need) to learn.
This time my surrender didn't come quick, but it did eventually come. Being in my early forties, I'm so aware of all I don't know. Fear, insecurity and laziness kept me from surrendering in the beginning, but those things began to be put aside and I stood surrendered.
Ok God, bring it. I'm ready. It was much like standing at the bank of a river. The river of what God is doing is flowing by me. I want to jump in, but I keep getting thrown back onto shore. It's like the Lego video games when you turn on invincibility. You try to jump off a cliff, building or into a river, but your little Lego person keeps getting spit back out. What was I supposed to do?
God began to burden my heart for victims of human trafficking. For whatever reason, Duluth was on my heart. I live in the Twin Cities and it would have been much more convenient to be burdened for here, but no it was Duluth. I even discovered a great ministry there, Life House. I stopped into the office and contacted them twice about wanting to get involved. No response came. I was thrown back onto the shore.
When I heard of two children in foster care that we have a connection to, I thought this could be it. This could be what God is calling me to do. This call had a built in confirmer. If God was really leading me in this direction, he'd need to change my husband's heart. He didn't. Thrown back on shore again.
It has been agonizing. My heart is broken for the broken people in this world. I'm at a point when I'm ready to get my hands dirty, ready to get into the trenches, ready to get uncomfortable, but I keep getting thrown out of the river. Where is this big call Lord? I'm here. I'm surrendering. I want to serve, but each time I jump in the river I get thrown back out.
A few months back I had a chance to attend a live taping of the Lead Stories podcast (it's a great podcast, you should check it out). Those of us in the audience were given a chance to ask questions. I got up and gave my river analogy. Then one of the hosts said something that was so clearly for me. She talked about how sometimes there are several small rivers that flow into larger rivers. Maybe (she told me to pray about this and I did) I was trying to get into the wrong small river. Maybe there is a different place God has for me to launch.
Does my call not include being on stage? It doesn't seem to be that right now.
Does my call not include being a writer? Well it couldn't because I only have fractions of or pieces of books written. So it doesn't seem to be that right now.
Does my call include loving and serving my neighbors? Yes
Does my call include loving and serving my family? Yes
Does my call include serving and supporting those with "big calls" on their life? Yes
Does my call include loving and serving my husband and children when they are driving me crazy? Yes
Does it include staying in my job at my church even when I don't think I can take seeing the underbelly (that every church has-come on, it's full of humans) of it anymore? Yes
This so called small call starts to not feel very small. It starts to feel monotonous, mundane. It feels like only by the grace of God will I get through this day kind of call.
But this is where I'm called. This is where I'm called to love, serve and support. It's not always an easy call and I'm not going to lie, I still secretly hope for a big call, but here I am. I've made it to a different small river, a river that feels even smaller then the other small river, but you know what? I'm still part of what God is doing. This smaller than small river is about what God us doing and not about the size of a call or about me. It's about living for the one who loves me and gave himself for me. Today that is enough.
