Control-ectomy

The last two days have felt like major surgery.

I had kept telling myself that things would get better by Wednesday. By Wednesday we'll be in our rhythm and have the schedule down. 

I didn't realize how painful the journey would be to get to Wednesday.

Each day is a new adventure. Each day we seem to be operating on less and less sleep.

Tuesday afternoon things came to a head.  There's a tradition on this trip of going for ice cream. Big T and I were going back and forth about whether or not to go for ice cream. We had decided to go, I thought. Big T thought we were still undecided.

He took the boys swimming in the lake. When I realized there wasn't a lot of time left, I got a bag ready for them to go shower off so we'd be ready for ice cream. When I got to the beach, Big T and I had a disagreement about what was happening. Did I mention that he was about 30 feet out in the lake and I was up on shore? Did I also mention there were lots of people around?

In the end I took the boys for ice cream with the group. I didn't particularily want to go for ice cream, but I thought the boys wanted to go and it was a tradition. I felt so self-less. Self-righteous is more like it. I was fuming mad. I felt like Big T was being selfish and I was owed an apology. Not only that, I was going to hold a grudge and make him suffer. Seriously, who's supposed to be the adult on this trip?

The next morning Big T did apologize. I felt a little vindicated and knew in my head that I should apologize as well. 

I refused.

As I rode the bus to our ministry site I cried out to God. Deep down, way deep down, I didn't want to be angry any longer. A little closer to the surface, I totally wanted to stay mad. I was crying out to God for him to cut "self" and "control" out of me. Cut them out and fill in the gaping wound with himself and his control.

The words from "All that I am" come rushing back to me.

It's only in surrender that I'm free.

It's only in surrender that I'm truly free.

During our family time we had to answer the question, "What are you going to back home with you from this trip?"

A whole lot less of myself was my answer, my hope.

Hopefully I'll leave here with a whole lot less of myself.

Losing Control and Pelican Rapids

Be careful what you pray for, God may answer it.

Lord, I want to lose control. I want to live in complete surrender to you.

Each time I prayed this I did sincerely mean it. However, as I sit here in the midst of a missions trip, I'm not sure.

We're on a missions trip as a family. It's something Todd and I really wanted to do. We want to find ways for us to serve as a family. It's a deep burden of my heart that my boys have an awareness of the needs of others around them.

A friend told me about a speaker she heard who has trained her children to step into a room and ask themselves "How can I serve or be of help here?" Oh that my boys would have that written in their hearts and minds.

So here we are on a missions trip trying to instill in our boys service and the importance of putting others first.

What is going on in my mind?

I find myself thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home. When I can make my own schedule. When I can make my own plans. To be honest, I am literally feeling like a fish out of water, 

gasping

flailing

Trying to hold onto anything I can to give myself some control in the situation. Our cabin is neat as a pin. I keep telling my boys to put their shoes under their beds neatly.

Really? I mean, we are camping. But here in my cabin is the only place where I have any sense of order or control.

It's not that the trip so far has been unorderly, but this is the first year with so many families. We're still working out the kinks. Plus neither Todd nor I have been on this trip before. Not only are we trying to find our bearings, but we are trying to find them for our boys too.  

It's our second day and our formal ministry hasn't started yet. We aren't on our regular schedule. I keep telling myself things will be different a few days from know when we've got our schedule down.

Maybe then I'll feel like I've been thrown back into the water.