Lessons Learned: Success Turned Upside Down

The Kingdom of God turns everything in our world upside down. The last is first, give and you will receive. I've heard this a lot lately in podcasts and at conferences, but I'm learning it applies to other areas as well.

Fear of Failure has stopped me in my tracks my whole life. Actually I would have to say fear has stopped me before I've even gotten started. 
fear of failing
fear of looking weak
fear of being hurt
fear of being exposed
fear of being loved
fear of being rejected
fear of being abandoned
fear of myself
fear of others
fear of fear
I'm just full of it. I've talked about my extraordinary ability to awfulize. I think this is directly related to my fear. It has consumed me and I let it. I let it rob me of opportunities. I let it rob me of being all of who I am. I let it rob me of seeing God come and move and show himself. Well not any longer.

Don't get me wrong, I still have fear. I can go dark places fast, but I'm tired of being robbed of all the goodness God has for me. 

Just today on Facebook a friend quoted a blogger who said, "Just because it's hard doesn't mean you heard God wrong." Yes! Yes! Yes! I would go even farther and say that even if you're not "successful", it doesn't mean you heard God wrong.

This lesson has taken me a loooong time to learn. The first failure I remember from when I thought I was being obedient was when I said I would lead a Bible study on Hosea. I bought the books. I made the cutest schedules and bookmarks. I stood at the table with the other study leaders and watched their lists fill while mine remained empty. EMPTY! No one, not one person signed up for the study! I was embarrassed. I thought for sure I was doing what God was leading me to do. I wanted to be obedient and honestly thought I was. Why was I failing? Why did no one sign up for the study? I have to be honest that other fears quickly took over. I was afraid I would do a horrible job leading , so there was some relief in that.
Have I mentioned that Positivity is one of my top five Strength Finders? I know, super fun right? I have a whole bunch of fears, but I can be super positive about them. I'm that person people hate to sit next to on a plane. I have an abundance of fears, I overshare, and I can be super positive. Seriously, pray for my friends. Pray for my husband! 

This tension of fear and positivity plus my desire to be obedient has made for fun ride. 

My most recent realization is that I transfer my fear into viewing my husband as unsupportive. Let me give you an example. We went to look at a property for Retreat House. The property would work beautifully for the big vision of what Retreat House will be. I was so freaked out that this is actually happening that fear began to take hold. I wasn't even completely aware of it. I just started to think about what it would take from Todd and me financially to make this go. I started telling myself that it wouldn't move forward because Todd would never go for that risk. I festered about it for the rest of the afternoon. When Todd got home that evening and asked what I thought about the property, he got a rambling of all I had been thinking, part of which was how I didn't feel like he was supportive and wouldn't take the risk needed. (I'm so lucky he takes his marriage vows seriously.) He sat down with me to look at financials (always a super fun topic in marriage, right?). We talked about some possibilities and I asked if he'd be willing and he said he is. I was humbled. I immediately apologized. God was gracious enough to let me see what I was doing. I confessed that I was freaking out about how big this is and was convincing myself that it was Todd who wasn't on board. It's not that I'm not being obedient. It's that my husband isn't supportive. Seriously, pray for my husband. He was so gracious! 

I had to step back and remember what I've been learning. My success isn't in a well run, super busy business. I hope for that. I work toward that. I research and work to that end, but that is not where my success is. My success is taking steps in obedience, just taking one step at a time. My success is keeping my eyes focused on where God is leading this business called Retreat House. Therefore, my failure is no longer in Retreat House never being realized or not being financially viable. My failure is not taking the step. My failure is in not being obedient. That is upside down from this world in which we find ourselves living.

I'm so thankful the Kingdom of God turns everything in our world upside down. I can get on board with that. I can rest in that. I can step in obedience in that.