So Let Go My Soul...

So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.

This song has been playing on repeat today.

Yesterday during a routine physical my doctor found a nodule in my right breast. Yep, the moment every woman dreads as her doctor kneads and presses into your breast. "I feel something." she said. I felt it too. I'd been having pain for the past four-ish months, but thought it was my new underwire bra or that I was overusing a muscle. Sure, that's it Angie. At my job I had even complained about the pain and joked that it was either an overused muscle...or breast cancer. Did you know I'm an awfulizer? I can take a situation to it's most awful end. I'd give you an example, but I really think I'm exposing enough my myself right now.

We, my doctor and I, had already decided that given my family history I should have a mammogram. I had my first one at the age of 35. The year my mom died. An actress who was fighting breast cancer gave credit to the fact that they wouldn't have been able to find the breast cancer in her 40's had she not had a baseline done when she was 35. Even though uterine cancer (what claimed my mom's life) and breast cancer aren't linked, I still felt urgency to get one. I'm glad I did.

The doctor didn't elaborate on whether or not she was concerned. She had said the nodule was smooth, not rough. I asked her if I should be worried (like anything after she said there was something in my breast would stop the awfulizing). She said her antenna didn't go up, but whenever there is any nodule in a breast you check it out. That sounded hopeful. She asked me at least a dozen times if I had any questions and I said no. I sent a text to Todd while I waited for the blood letting part of my appointment, made my mammogram appointment (for tomorrow) and left.

I burst into tears the moment the freezing air hit my face.

I was going to run errands. I had things to get done today.

I drove home. I wanted to numb. I wanted to distract. So I spent sometime with my friend Netflix.

Ron Swanson and Leslie Knope really took my mind off it for awhile, but I couldn't stay in Pawnee all day. I had a meeting.

I had decided I wasn't going to tell anyone (beyond my husband), but I was so scattered when I spoke at the meeting. I heard myself say it out loud. "During my physical this morning, my doctor from a lump in my right breast." Well that's all the flood gates needed to open. My friend (who I was meeting with) was great. She prayed for me and also spoke words of truth to me. She prayed for complete healing, that whatever was there would be an easy fix. Then she spoke words of truth. She reminded me that no matter the outcome, no matter, I would take things one step at a time and God would take those steps with me.

During the meeting my husband, who knows and loves me, called to make sure I wasn't stuck in a circle of awfulizing. Oh my goodness I married well. I also have the very best, most kindred friends. I reached out to a couple of friends who prayed for me and let me know that it's not uncommon to have a cyst in your breast that can be easily treated, even though it causes you to freak out. I love honest friends.

I went to bed thinking I wouldn't tell anyone else because it probably isn't anything serious.

When I woke up this morning, I felt the prayers of my friends. I felt the Lord present with me. I realized it's just not me to keep things to myself. I'm a share-er. Truth be told I'm an over share-er. I started listing to this song and worshiping.

through it all
through it all
my eyes are you

through it all
through it all
it is well

through it all
through it all
my eyes are you
and it is well
it is well

so let go my soul
and trust in Him
the waves and wind
still know His name

it is well
with my soul

I must proclaim
on this day where I am in limbo.
on this day where I hope for the best
on this day where I may still awfulize
on this day

I must proclaim that through it all, my eyes are on Him who's name is known by the waves and wind. I will trust in him. I will cling to him.

It is well with me.