Losing Control and Pelican Rapids

Be careful what you pray for, God may answer it.

Lord, I want to lose control. I want to live in complete surrender to you.

Each time I prayed this I did sincerely mean it. However, as I sit here in the midst of a missions trip, I'm not sure.

We're on a missions trip as a family. It's something Todd and I really wanted to do. We want to find ways for us to serve as a family. It's a deep burden of my heart that my boys have an awareness of the needs of others around them.

A friend told me about a speaker she heard who has trained her children to step into a room and ask themselves "How can I serve or be of help here?" Oh that my boys would have that written in their hearts and minds.

So here we are on a missions trip trying to instill in our boys service and the importance of putting others first.

What is going on in my mind?

I find myself thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home. When I can make my own schedule. When I can make my own plans. To be honest, I am literally feeling like a fish out of water, 

gasping

flailing

Trying to hold onto anything I can to give myself some control in the situation. Our cabin is neat as a pin. I keep telling my boys to put their shoes under their beds neatly.

Really? I mean, we are camping. But here in my cabin is the only place where I have any sense of order or control.

It's not that the trip so far has been unorderly, but this is the first year with so many families. We're still working out the kinks. Plus neither Todd nor I have been on this trip before. Not only are we trying to find our bearings, but we are trying to find them for our boys too.  

It's our second day and our formal ministry hasn't started yet. We aren't on our regular schedule. I keep telling myself things will be different a few days from know when we've got our schedule down.

Maybe then I'll feel like I've been thrown back into the water.