I felt as though I never knew myself

"I felt as though I never knew myself"

If you don't recognize it, that's a line from Pride & Prejudice. It's after Elizabeth realizes she was wrong about Wickham and wrong about Darcy. As she's talking to her sister, she says,

"I felt as though I never knew myself."

In conversation with my sister yesterday, I came away with that same feeling. "I feel as though I don't know myself."

All along this trip I have been trying to be mindful of where my controlling tendencies were rearing their nasty heads. You see it's a fine line. I'm organized. I'm good at coordinating, thinking ahead so we can be efficient. However, those qualities can slip over into controlling

and I don't even know it.

I do not see it.

I don't hear it in my voice.

My travelling companions have all heard it though. The word they used is "abrupt". Now if you know me, you may be thinking, "oh, I've seen that" or "oh, I know that about you". 

I didn't know.

I did not see.

Now I'm left feeling as though I don't know myself.

My self defences are kicking in and I want to explain. I want to justify. But I am "attempting to lose control". I do feel quite out of control.

I feel like an animal whose been wounded in battle. I want to go deep into the woods and lick my wounds. Go, be by myself and have a good cry. Usually I would stuff it, put on a pleasent face and move forward.

Forward? 

No, that would be moving around it. Like a stack of papers you know you should go through, but just don't want to take the time, the effort.

So here I sit. On the verge of tears. What will I do with this?

Will I go around it?

Will I move through it?

I feel as though I do not know myself.