I am a fern (repost)

Recently a friend posted a picture of a fern that had burst from the ground and was beginning to unfurl. It reminded me of this post from a few years ago. I'm continuing to unfurl...

In 2003 my husband and I took and amazing trip to Washington state. We had been to England & Ireland the year before. Even though we were in Ireland during the rainy season, there hadn't been much rain and it wasn't green like I expected it to be. Washington was every bit as green as I thought Ireland was going to be.







We spent a couple of days in Seattle, then headed for the Olympic Peninsula. It. was. gorgeous. Not only were the shades of green amazing, but the lichen, the plant and the flowers were amazing.








Something I kept noticing were the ferns. Have you ever really looked at a fern as it grows? I've work in Aveda salons for well over a decade and would see it all the time.









A tiny shoot comes out of the ground. All the leaves are curled in and the stem is wound like a pinwheel.

It's only when the fern grows that the pinwheel unwinds and the leaves begin to uncurl. It grows and grows until not only is it open, it's bent over backwards basking in the warmth of sun.

I am like that fern, all curled into myself. Not only do I hang on tight to the things in life, I bring it into myself and curl my grip around it.

Surrender it to me. I hear the Lord say. Instead of releasing my grip, I hold on tighter, curl in tighter.

Only in the three years since my mom lost her battle with cancer have I really seen any noticeable growth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bent over backwards, basking in the presence of the Lord, but

I am beginning to uncurl.
          I am beginning to loosen my grip.
                    I'm am beginning to surrender.

Lessons Learned: Trust

This is a lesson I learn over and over and over. I guess it would be more accurate to say it's a lesson I'm learning.

The best way to describe the last few weeks is I'm sitting in rubble. After the faith crisis I had following my mom's death, I built a wall of protection. The crisis of faith was so jarring that I did what I needed to do to prevent myself from going there again. But my jump off the cliff had shattered that wall and I was left sitting in the rubble. 

As I sat in the rubble, I thought about the messages I heard at Set Apart. There is power in speaking our unspoken broken and that Jesus redeems our brokenness. Unsure of what to do next, I just sat there. I didn't want to rebuild the wall, but I wasn't sure how to move forward without it. 

I went numb. The busyness of Spring Break travel and viruses seeping through my family distracted me from the rubble. Then one day everyone went back to work and school and I was faced with the rubble all around me. I felt paralyzed. Paralyzed by my own fear and insecurity. I'm so tired of feeling insecure and the weirdness that is me when I'm insecure. 

It's the season of Lent and I've been doing a study of Isaiah. I haven't read through Isaiah in a couple decades. I forgot how confusing and hard to understand it can be. The first twenty-four chapters left me still feeling more thirsty for God. Then came chapters twenty-five & six.

O Lord, I will honor and praise your name,

for you are my God.

You do such wonderful things!

You planned them long ago,

and now you have accomplished them.

Isaiah 25:1

You will keep in perfect peace

all who trust in you,

all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Trust in the Lord always,

for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.

Isaiah 26:3-4

Fear and insecurity are the result of looking at me, making it about me, trusting in me. My eyes have not been fixed on God. They've been fixed on me. And so there's been no peace. After fear and insecurity came doubt. Doubt is so sly. Did God really call me to Retreat House? Is this really a good/viable idea? 

Oh the doubt. 

Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,

for my depression deepens.

Don’t turn away from me,

or I will die.

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,

for I am trusting you.

Show me where to walk,

for I give myself to you.

Psalm 143:7-8

This verse put to words what I had been feeling, but couldn't find a way to express. I was in rubble and darkness. I had lost hope and confidence in what God has called me to do. I needed to hear his voice.

I went back to a podcast that often speaks to me. They talked about how God has already come for us. Emanuel. God with us. He had put on the skin of this world and walked life here. He has already come, and we simply need to respond, but we put up barriers. One of the barriers they talked about was battles. I was reminded of the battle between God and an enemy who actively works against God's plans. This enemy seeks to kill and destroy (John 10:10). I was believing the doubts. I was giving into my fears and insecurities. I needed to stand, even in the midst of the rubble and begin to move. To at least put one foot in front of the other. I needed to remind myself of what God has called me to do. 

To enjoy your work and 

accept your lot in life—

this is indeed a gift from God. 

God keeps such people so busy enjoying life 

that they take no time to brood over the past.

Ecclesiastes 5:19-20

Get on with it already is what I was hearing from the Lord. Much like in in Psalm 46:10 when he says Be still, and know that I am God. It could also be translated as Enough, know that I am God. HE is God. I know that, now I must choose to live like I know it. 

I put one foot in front of the other and started to move forward. In preparing to write the script for our video, I went back and read my business plan with the vision and mission of Retreat House. It's really good, something I could get on board with doing. I just needed to be reminded of all God has led me to do so far. 

There's a long road ahead, but I'm going to choose to put one foot in front of the other and step into what God is calling me. It's messier now there's all this rubble around me, but I don't want to use the rubble to rebuild the wall. I want to allow the Holy Spirit to work in me, to heal what needs to be healed and to grind to sand what needs to be further broken a part. 

This I know. God has brought me this far, he'll not abandon me. He's equipped me for this work. That's not to say there still isn't a huge learning curve in front of me. There is. But I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and see where He takes me. 

Lessons Learned: Broken

I'm broken. I'm weak. I feel unsure.

The past several days have been like cliff jumping. I stood at the edge looking down at the water considering whether or not I should jump. A property we were seriously looking at for Retreat House was going to receive an offer and we weren't ready to make an offer yet. There was still information to be gathered. I didn't want to rush the process, but I also wanted to be obedient and jump if I was supposed to jump.

The day was spent talking with God. I had recently been listening to a podcast where the hosts were interviewing each other. One asked the other how she keeps a vision fresh. She answered that she keeps the vision in its proper place. The vision is not God. She doesn't let the vision take the place of God. By seeking God and what he has, that keeps the vision fresh. So I was seeking God, begging Him to lead, to give wisdom, to give clarity to our next steps. I called out. I listened. Then I suddenly realized I was missing something. I wasn't pouring my heart out to God. I wasn't telling Him what I wanted, where I believe he was leading.

I wasn't sure I could trust Him with the desires of my heart.

There have been two times in my life when I can remember I honestly and completely (or as completely as I could) poured my heart and desires to God. The first was when I had just come to know God. I had always known about God, but had just realized that I could know Him and be in relationship with Him. At the same time my dear aunt was fighting a losing battle with cancer. I knew God could heal her. I believed God could heal her. I prayed for God to heal her. She lost her battle October 1993. I didn't understand, but was so new to this relationship, that I sought God and wanted to try to understand His ways. It shook me, but I still clung to Him.

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you; your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:7-8

Another time I poured myself out to God was my mom was fighting uterine cancer. I begged, I trusted, I believed God to heal her. I knew He could heal her. She lost her battle August 2009. God could have healed her, but He didn't. This threw me into a crisis of faith. I knew God could heal her. I believe miraculous healing still happen today. He could have healed her, but He didn't.  I had a cohort group of friends at the time who sat with me in my grief and spoke truth (sometimes hard truth, but they had earned that right) to me. I was able to get to a place where I was able to make peace with the healing that didn't come. I really thought I was in a good place.

But here I was unsure I could trust Him with the desires of my heart. I burst into tears, a real ugly cry, and poured myself out. I told Him I wanted to property. I told Him I thought it is perfect for the vision, the vision I believe He gave to me for Retreat House. I begged Him to lead and guide. I desperately didn't want to be disobedient. I didn't want to end up saying If only we had...

Todd agreed to take a step and turn our paperwork into the bank. I spend the rest of the day and part of the next preparing a binder that would make Leslie Knope proud. It contained our life, at least our financial life. I dropped it off and away I went to the Set Apart Conference.

Did I not mention that yet? Yes this was all happening during the conference. After dropping off our life to the bank, I started my Set Apart responsibilities. I picked Ann  up at the hotel to bring her to the conference. I had hosted her four years ago when she was with us. That's not to say there was no excitement, but it was the excitement to see a friend you haven't seen in a long while.

She asked how I was doing and I told her about dropping off my life at the bank. At different down times she would ask how I was doing. It must be her willingness to be broken first, but I let it all out. I've said before how I have a tendency to over-share. There were times with Ann and other dear friends who are also taking steps on obedience that were so encouraging to step forward off that cliff and let myself free fall. It felt exhilarating and exciting and like I wanted to throw up. I had decided and told myself and Todd I couldn't make any decisions until Sunday. There were too many emotions and not enough sleep to be of sound mind and body until Sunday. Even on Sunday I felt like I had a Set Apart hangover. Different times of the day Todd and I would talk about it. We had a super helpful conversation with our realtor (who is also a good friend and neighbor). I asked Todd if he felt we should make an offer. See this blog entry as to why he was vague in his reply. I ran numbers again. I considered the many variable in play. I considered all the unknowns. I came to the conclusion that we should not make an offer on the property. I sent an email to the realtor and banker and went to bed, wondering how I would feel in the morning.

Peaceful. I woke up feeling peace about the decision I made. I still feel broken. I feel tender and vulnerable in laying myself out as I have. When I told one of my sisters about my fear to really trust, she reflected back to me that I shared my unspoken broken with her. I guess I wanted to share it with you too. I want to be honest with you about this adventure of Retreat House. I thought it was about opening a business, but I'm learning it more than that. It's becoming a refining, stretching, healing process for me. I stood at the edge of the cliff. I stepped off into a free fall and made a splash in the water. Now I'm making the climb to jump again when the time comes. I'm still broken. I still feel weak, but I'm sure we made the right decision.

Lessons Learned: Success Turned Upside Down

The Kingdom of God turns everything in our world upside down. The last is first, give and you will receive. I've heard this a lot lately in podcasts and at conferences, but I'm learning it applies to other areas as well.

Fear of Failure has stopped me in my tracks my whole life. Actually I would have to say fear has stopped me before I've even gotten started. 
fear of failing
fear of looking weak
fear of being hurt
fear of being exposed
fear of being loved
fear of being rejected
fear of being abandoned
fear of myself
fear of others
fear of fear
I'm just full of it. I've talked about my extraordinary ability to awfulize. I think this is directly related to my fear. It has consumed me and I let it. I let it rob me of opportunities. I let it rob me of being all of who I am. I let it rob me of seeing God come and move and show himself. Well not any longer.

Don't get me wrong, I still have fear. I can go dark places fast, but I'm tired of being robbed of all the goodness God has for me. 

Just today on Facebook a friend quoted a blogger who said, "Just because it's hard doesn't mean you heard God wrong." Yes! Yes! Yes! I would go even farther and say that even if you're not "successful", it doesn't mean you heard God wrong.

This lesson has taken me a loooong time to learn. The first failure I remember from when I thought I was being obedient was when I said I would lead a Bible study on Hosea. I bought the books. I made the cutest schedules and bookmarks. I stood at the table with the other study leaders and watched their lists fill while mine remained empty. EMPTY! No one, not one person signed up for the study! I was embarrassed. I thought for sure I was doing what God was leading me to do. I wanted to be obedient and honestly thought I was. Why was I failing? Why did no one sign up for the study? I have to be honest that other fears quickly took over. I was afraid I would do a horrible job leading , so there was some relief in that.
Have I mentioned that Positivity is one of my top five Strength Finders? I know, super fun right? I have a whole bunch of fears, but I can be super positive about them. I'm that person people hate to sit next to on a plane. I have an abundance of fears, I overshare, and I can be super positive. Seriously, pray for my friends. Pray for my husband! 

This tension of fear and positivity plus my desire to be obedient has made for fun ride. 

My most recent realization is that I transfer my fear into viewing my husband as unsupportive. Let me give you an example. We went to look at a property for Retreat House. The property would work beautifully for the big vision of what Retreat House will be. I was so freaked out that this is actually happening that fear began to take hold. I wasn't even completely aware of it. I just started to think about what it would take from Todd and me financially to make this go. I started telling myself that it wouldn't move forward because Todd would never go for that risk. I festered about it for the rest of the afternoon. When Todd got home that evening and asked what I thought about the property, he got a rambling of all I had been thinking, part of which was how I didn't feel like he was supportive and wouldn't take the risk needed. (I'm so lucky he takes his marriage vows seriously.) He sat down with me to look at financials (always a super fun topic in marriage, right?). We talked about some possibilities and I asked if he'd be willing and he said he is. I was humbled. I immediately apologized. God was gracious enough to let me see what I was doing. I confessed that I was freaking out about how big this is and was convincing myself that it was Todd who wasn't on board. It's not that I'm not being obedient. It's that my husband isn't supportive. Seriously, pray for my husband. He was so gracious! 

I had to step back and remember what I've been learning. My success isn't in a well run, super busy business. I hope for that. I work toward that. I research and work to that end, but that is not where my success is. My success is taking steps in obedience, just taking one step at a time. My success is keeping my eyes focused on where God is leading this business called Retreat House. Therefore, my failure is no longer in Retreat House never being realized or not being financially viable. My failure is not taking the step. My failure is in not being obedient. That is upside down from this world in which we find ourselves living.

I'm so thankful the Kingdom of God turns everything in our world upside down. I can get on board with that. I can rest in that. I can step in obedience in that. 

Retreat House MN - What is it?

The second question I get about Retreat House is What is it?

Simply put, Retreat House will be just that. A house used for retreats. Our vision is for better teams and communities. Our mission is to provide space for business, ministries and organizations to retreat and focus on education and team building.

The big, complete vision of Retreat House is to have a property where we can host teams for retreats, provide a community gathering space in a cafe or coffeehouse and minister to the working poor by providing low cost, short term housing to a family. We will use a three tier approach to work toward our big, complete vision of Retreat House.

Tier One:
We would provide a space for retreats. What would be the difference between our space and a community center or hotel? Our space wouldn't be sterile. It would feel like you're away, like you've driven hours to get out and away from the noise and busyness of the city, but have only driven 30-45 minutes. It's amazing how you can see defenses and walls fall when you get out of your usual office and gather in a comfortable and welcoming space. This will be where we begin because it is the heart of Retreat House. Let's gather. Let's talk. Let's get to know one another. 

Tier Two:
We would open a community gather space in the form of a coffeehouse or cafe. Not only would this allow us to provide catering for our retreats, but it would give a space that is open to the public to gather on a regular basis. The kind of place where people in town come to gather around a table for coffee and to solve the world's problems. 

Tier Three
We would provide low cost, short term housing for one working poor family. Our hope is to work with local churches to find a family that is too well off for a shelter, but not quite well enough off to obtain housing. The family would pay a low rent that would contribute to the maintenance of their housing, plus a portion of their rent would also be put into an account. The intention for the money in the account would for it to be used as a down payment or security deposit on permanent housing. 

Values
There three values that will influence the way we approach Retreat House.

1. Radical Hospitality
The Rule of St Benedict 53:1-2, 15 states: “Let all guests who arrive be received like Christ, for he is going to say: I was a stranger and you welcomed me (Matt. 25:35). And to all let due honour be shown, especially to those who share our faith (Gal. 6:10) and to pilgrims. In the reception of the poor and pilgrims the greatest care and solicitude should be shown, because it is especially in them that Christ is received.”

2. Support organizations that work to provide jobs for people to make a living wage
When purchasing supplies and decorations for Retreat House, we will make every effort to make them through organizations like Feed My Starving Children, Trades of Hope, Thistle Farms, etc.

3. Partner and patronize other local, small business whenever possible
We will need services for maintaining the property, catering services, etc. We will start by looking at local, small businesses and whenever we are able, we will patronize them.

To accomplish our big, complete vision is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. The success of each tier will influence how soon we are able to begin working toward the next tier. We imagine it'll be at least 3-5 years between each tier. We hope to accomplish Tier One in 2017.

That is what Retreat House is. We're putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where doors open and God leads. 
Thank you for coming along for the ride! 
Let's see where it takes us!

So Let Go My Soul...

So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.

This song has been playing on repeat today.

Yesterday during a routine physical my doctor found a nodule in my right breast. Yep, the moment every woman dreads as her doctor kneads and presses into your breast. "I feel something." she said. I felt it too. I'd been having pain for the past four-ish months, but thought it was my new underwire bra or that I was overusing a muscle. Sure, that's it Angie. At my job I had even complained about the pain and joked that it was either an overused muscle...or breast cancer. Did you know I'm an awfulizer? I can take a situation to it's most awful end. I'd give you an example, but I really think I'm exposing enough my myself right now.

We, my doctor and I, had already decided that given my family history I should have a mammogram. I had my first one at the age of 35. The year my mom died. An actress who was fighting breast cancer gave credit to the fact that they wouldn't have been able to find the breast cancer in her 40's had she not had a baseline done when she was 35. Even though uterine cancer (what claimed my mom's life) and breast cancer aren't linked, I still felt urgency to get one. I'm glad I did.

The doctor didn't elaborate on whether or not she was concerned. She had said the nodule was smooth, not rough. I asked her if I should be worried (like anything after she said there was something in my breast would stop the awfulizing). She said her antenna didn't go up, but whenever there is any nodule in a breast you check it out. That sounded hopeful. She asked me at least a dozen times if I had any questions and I said no. I sent a text to Todd while I waited for the blood letting part of my appointment, made my mammogram appointment (for tomorrow) and left.

I burst into tears the moment the freezing air hit my face.

I was going to run errands. I had things to get done today.

I drove home. I wanted to numb. I wanted to distract. So I spent sometime with my friend Netflix.

Ron Swanson and Leslie Knope really took my mind off it for awhile, but I couldn't stay in Pawnee all day. I had a meeting.

I had decided I wasn't going to tell anyone (beyond my husband), but I was so scattered when I spoke at the meeting. I heard myself say it out loud. "During my physical this morning, my doctor from a lump in my right breast." Well that's all the flood gates needed to open. My friend (who I was meeting with) was great. She prayed for me and also spoke words of truth to me. She prayed for complete healing, that whatever was there would be an easy fix. Then she spoke words of truth. She reminded me that no matter the outcome, no matter, I would take things one step at a time and God would take those steps with me.

During the meeting my husband, who knows and loves me, called to make sure I wasn't stuck in a circle of awfulizing. Oh my goodness I married well. I also have the very best, most kindred friends. I reached out to a couple of friends who prayed for me and let me know that it's not uncommon to have a cyst in your breast that can be easily treated, even though it causes you to freak out. I love honest friends.

I went to bed thinking I wouldn't tell anyone else because it probably isn't anything serious.

When I woke up this morning, I felt the prayers of my friends. I felt the Lord present with me. I realized it's just not me to keep things to myself. I'm a share-er. Truth be told I'm an over share-er. I started listing to this song and worshiping.

through it all
through it all
my eyes are you

through it all
through it all
it is well

through it all
through it all
my eyes are you
and it is well
it is well

so let go my soul
and trust in Him
the waves and wind
still know His name

it is well
with my soul

I must proclaim
on this day where I am in limbo.
on this day where I hope for the best
on this day where I may still awfulize
on this day

I must proclaim that through it all, my eyes are on Him who's name is known by the waves and wind. I will trust in him. I will cling to him.

It is well with me.

Retreat House MN

There are two questions I get about Retreat House:
1. How did you get here?
2.What is it?
Let me answer the first question here.

How did I get here?

You know, I have been asking myself this question for a couple of months. Trying to think back and figure out where this all started. I've even gone as far back as my freshman Social Studies class. Oh, I just lost some of you didn't I? I just had a flashback to Exposition of Genesis when we spend 6 weeks on 1-2. Not the chapters. We spent 6 weeks on Genesis 1:1-2. Seriously. Anyway, I'm not going to go into that kind of detail.

For more than a decade, I have had an idea in the back of my head. Wouldn't it be great to open a coffee shop/café that would be a community gathering place. You know the kind of place where the old men go to have coffee in the morning. A place where groups could meet for Bible study, team building or just catching up with each other. This idea of creating space for people to come and expecting God to come and move.

But let me start few years ago when I attended a leadership retreat. We were studying Luke 13 where Jesus heals the bent over women. What I had never noticed is that it doesn't tell us she pursued Jesus.

He saw her. HE saw her.

She wasn't invisible to Jesus. I'm not invisible to Jesus. I didn't even realize until that moment that I had felt invisible. I felt like I could drift away and no one would ever notice I was gone or that I had been there at all. At the end of the retreat, we were all to write a letter to ourselves that the speaker would mail to us at a later date. I cried when I wrote it. I cried when I received in the mail. I even cried again today when I read it.

Dear Angela, beloved one of God,

Remember how the Lord met you at this retreat. Even though you tried your best to hide, he still found you bent over [hiding] in your tent. He poked in His head and said, "My dear, dear daughter. I found you. I see you. You are not invisible!

Remember my love for you is like a hurricane, you are a tree. Bending under the wave of my wind, love and mercy. Believe me when I say that I will lead you with my hand. Accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

It's okay to hang exposed. I already know all of who you [are] and I love you. Come, sit with me. Sit knee to knee, toe to toe, brow to brow. Let me look into you. More importantly look at how you are in my eyes. My wonderfully made daughter, I have very special plans for us. I will be glorified and you will be blessed.

Remember who I am

Remember who and whose you are.

First let me apologize for the Crower Band song quote. That was the first time I had heard that song and it was so impactful to me. That part made me cry because it sounds so cheesy! But on with the story...

That weekend started me on a journey of seeing myself, allowing myself to be seen, and living in surrender to whatever God has for my life.

The speaker from the retreat  agreed to meet with me and we began a mentoring relationship. Among other ways she has spoken into my life, she encouraged me to read Radical Hospitality. Hospitality is second nature to me. My mom was the "hostess with the mostess". But this book looked at hospitality in a different way. This book talks of Benedictine hospitality. It's about much more than serving coffee. It's about welcoming the stranger. It's about recognizing the image of God in another person.

More recently, God has used IF:Gathering to wreck me (in all the best ways) and the Lead Stories podcast to make me uncomfortable in the status quo of my life.

Before I attended IF in 2015, a burden for my neighbors began to weigh heavy on my heart. I desired to make space for my neighbors to come. To come for coffee with neighbors and conversation, but I also wanted to make space for God to lead and guide conversations. I didn't have anything formal planned. I didn't have any expectations, beyond that I expected God to come and move, rather I didn't have any expectations of my neighbors. At the end of IF, we were to write our next steps on a stone and pile it on the Ebenezer in the front of the venue. Mine said, "IF:Coffee". IF has IF:Table where you invite neighbors for a meal and conversation, but God reconfirmed my coffee with neighbors. When I returned home, I continued to host them and other neighbors even hosted a couple. My desire to create space for God to move continued.

In the time leading up to IF in 2016, I was beginning to realize I had myself shut up. I wasn't allowing anyone in. Mostly, I wasn't allowing my husband in. I wasn't allowing myself to be seen by him. I wasn't allowing myself to be loved by him. I was holding him at arms length. During IF that year, I realized not only was I not allowing myself to be seen by my husband, I wasn't allowing myself to be seen by God (which is ridiculous that I think I can hide from him) or others. As I peeled back my reasons of why I wasn't allowing myself to be seen, I realized it's because I was afraid. I was afraid of truly being seen, of being exposed. More specifically, I was afraid of being exposed as a phony. It wasn't as though I was going around telling lies about myself, but I was afraid if people were to see me, all of me, they would see something ugly inside that I (unconsciously) work so hard to hide. There was a tension. I realized we all want to be seen, but we don't want to be exposed. I guess I feared not being welcomed. I feared I wouldn't receive grace (I need so much grace). At the end of the conference that year, we were to write on a domino what we sensed God was leading us to do. The idea was that if we all did what was written on our domino, we would fall into the next person and there would be a domino effect of people obeying where God was leading. I wrote one word: SEEN. I was going to allow myself to be seen AND I was going see others.

During 2016 I was also listening to the Lead Stories Podcast. The hosts define leaders as anyone who has influence. They've shared their experiences in leadership and interviewed many people over the year. People who had taken steps in their lives. Small steps of obedience that have led them to serve God in a variety of ways. One interview in particular has come back to me several times over the year. They interviewed Gwen Adams who works with an organization called Priceless Alaska. She shared the story about how their organization started. There were a group of woman who wanted to help fight human trafficking in Alaska.

So they began to pray. And pray. And pray.

They prayed for nine months for God to lead them to where they could be involved in the fight. When he finally revealed how they could be involved, the timing was perfect. (You'll have to listen to the podcast for the rest of the story.) This and a other stories like it gave me confidence that as I seek God he will direct my small steps and direct them in His (perfect) timing.

This all sounds very clean and clear as I tell it now, but there were countless places I saw God working and tried to jump in and be a part of it. Each time I was pushed out. It was as though what God was doing was a river flowing. I kept jumping in the river, wanting to go where God was going, but I kept getting thrown out. Finally in frustration I shared my river analogy with someone. She reflected back to me that maybe I was trying to get in the wrong river. Just like large rivers have smaller rivers that feed into them, maybe there's a different small river I was supposed to get into. A small river that still flowed into the large river of what God was doing, but different than where I was trying to jump in.... As she spoke, her words resonated with my soul. I took time with God to pray and seek His wisdom and direction about this other river. One thing was clear. I needed to be still and know He is God.

Another bit of wisdom I heard was from Andy Stanley in his Leadership Podcast on Visioneering. He shared that he gets so many ideas for new ministries, etc, that sometimes he just needs to sit on them for about a month to see if he's still as excited about it when it first came to him. I think part of my problem was that I had been frantic, running after every idea I had or every place I saw God moving.

So I took time to breathe. I took time to just be. If you know me, I am a doer. I've often said that if someone could just tell me what I need to "do" to just "be", that would be great. But more than anything, I wanted to be obedient.

Then a local retreat space closed their physical space. It was such a loss for me personally. As word got round that they closed, I heard from others what a loss it was for them. Then there was a nudge that I could run a place like that. Okay. There's a nudge. I'm not going to jump in the river, I'm going to sit on it, keep it to myself for awhile. I went ahead and ordered Starting a Small Business for Dummies. I didn't think it would hurt to educate myself. Especially since I have never run a business and thought I never would. When I absent-mindedly left the book on the dining room table, my husband picked it up and asked if there was something we should talk about. I told him not yet.

Shortly after, I had lunch with a friend who, since graduating from seminary, hadn't found the right fit. I kept thinking about all the ways she's gifted and all the people I know who are gifted in different areas that would make for great sessions at a retreat house.

I should fast, I thought. I have lots-o-issues with food, so I went to two other things I spend a lot of time doing: Facebook and all things British. I decided to fast from them for a week and spend that time educating myself about starting a business and praying for God's wisdom and clarity.

By the end of the week, I knew I needed to talk to two people. I needed to talk to the owner of the retreat space that closed and my lunch friend.

To my astonishment, the owner agreed to meet with me. I had requested to know all the eyes wide open things about owning/running a retreat space. I got what I asked for. She told me all the things she wished she would have known before starting hers. She also warned me that had she known these things, she may not have done it. I assured her that those were exactly the kinds of things I wanted/needed to hear. For the next 45 minutes we talked about zoning, liability insurance, gathering a board, etc. It should have been the most discouraging, disappointing conversation. But I was not deterred. In my marrow I know that if this is God's thing, then he'll clear the obstacles (in his timing). If he doesn't remove the obstacles, I know I'm being obedient and that's what this is about, not the end result.

The next day I had lunch with my friend. My expectation was that I would share this vision/idea with her and give her time to think, pray and seek God about whether or not she wanted to be involved. We met at 11:30am and didn't leave the table until 2:30pm. We had a name and I was to go home and purchase our domain name and social media handles.

It's been a bit of a blur since then, but now we're busy preparing our business plan.

That is how I got here...