Anything? Even the Small Call?

The word anything has been very popular lately in the circles I find myself. I believe a lot of it has to do with Jennie Allen's book Anything. I have to admit I haven't yet read the book. However, I have attended the last two IF:Gatherings and have come away with what I believe the book is nudging us to do, live a life of surrender to God and what he has for my life.

Something you have to understand about me is I like attention. I'm the youngest in my family and have some of the common youngest personality traits; I'm good at avoiding work and I like attention. If you ask my sisters, they'll back this up. Goodness, my name plate at work says my title is Superstar Diva of Calvary the Musical.

So when I have prayed and surrendered, I fully expected that I was going to get a Jennie Allen type of call on my life. I fully thought the vision or call I sensed a couple decades earlier when I was watching Lucy Swindoll at Women of Faith would come to be. As I watched Lucy on the stage I felt God was telling me that was what he had for me, but there was more life for me to live first. Of course in my early twenty-something confidence I didn't want to wait, didn't understand what I could learn that I didn't already know. I was ready to go. Bring it on I told God. Oh my goodness. It's a good thing I didn't realize then all I needed (still need) to learn.

This time my surrender didn't come quick, but it did eventually come. Being in my early forties, I'm so aware of all I don't know. Fear, insecurity and laziness kept me from surrendering in the beginning, but those things began to be put aside and I stood surrendered.

Ok God, bring it. I'm ready. It was much like standing at the bank of a river. The river of what God is doing is flowing by me. I want to jump in, but I keep getting thrown back onto shore. It's like the Lego video games when you turn on invincibility. You try to jump off a cliff, building or into a river, but your little Lego person keeps getting spit back out. What was I supposed to do?

God began to burden my heart for victims of human trafficking. For whatever reason, Duluth was on my heart. I live in the Twin Cities and it would have been much more convenient to be burdened for here, but no it was Duluth. I even discovered a great ministry there, Life House. I stopped into the office and contacted them twice about wanting to get involved. No response came. I was thrown back onto the shore.

When I heard of two children in foster care that we have a connection to, I thought this could be it. This could be what God is calling me to do. This call had a built in confirmer. If God was really leading me in this direction, he'd need to change my husband's heart. He didn't. Thrown back on shore again.

It has been agonizing. My heart is broken for the broken people in this world. I'm at a point when I'm ready to get my hands dirty, ready to get into the trenches, ready to get uncomfortable, but I keep getting thrown out of the river. Where is this big call Lord? I'm here. I'm surrendering. I want to serve, but each time I jump in the river I get thrown back out.

A few months back I had a chance to attend a live taping of the Lead Stories podcast (it's a great podcast, you should check it out). Those of us in the audience were given a chance to ask questions. I got up and gave my river analogy. Then one of the hosts said something that was so clearly for me. She talked about how sometimes there are several small rivers that flow into larger rivers. Maybe (she told me to pray about this and I did) I was trying to get into the wrong small river. Maybe there is a different place God has for me to launch.

Her words were reassuring and confirming of what I had been experiencing with God. Is my call really not the big call river? Is my call the small call river?

Does my call not include being on stage? It doesn't seem to be that right now.
Does my call not include being a writer? Well it couldn't because I only have fractions of or pieces of books written. So it doesn't seem to be that right now.

Does my call include loving and serving my neighbors? Yes

Does my call include loving and serving my family? Yes

Does my call include serving and supporting those with "big calls" on their life? Yes

Does my call include loving and serving my husband and children when they are driving me crazy? Yes

Does it include staying in my job at my church even when I don't think I can take seeing the underbelly (that every church has-come on, it's full of humans) of it anymore? Yes

This so called small call starts to not feel very small. It starts to feel monotonous, mundane. It feels like only by the grace of God will I get through this day kind of call.

But this is where I'm called. This is where I'm called to love, serve and support. It's not always an easy call and I'm not going to lie, I still secretly hope for a big call, but here I am. I've made it to a different small river, a river that feels even smaller then the other small river, but you know what? I'm still part of what God is doing. This smaller than small river is about what God us doing and not about the size of a call or about me. It's about living for the one who loves me and gave himself for me. Today that is enough.

Process Through Grief

Usually I love the On This Day app on Facebook. It's so fun to see what I posted in past years. It's been great to see posts I made about fun things my boys did when they were younger (and to get them in their baby books. That's something I could quite get done while chasing them around the house).

This week has been different.
This week has been a reminder of my mom's last week with us.

August 2, 2009
God hath not promised skies always blue, Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, Joy without sorrow, peace without pain. BUT God hath promised strength for the day, Rest for the labor, light for the way, Grace

August 3, 2009
When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows rolls. What ever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, "It is well, It is well with my soul"...Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

August 4, 2009
Mom has taken a turn. The Hospice nurse thinks it'll be days. Thank you so much for all your prayers. They are carrying us through.


When I made these posts, I didn't know she would go so soon.
I didn't know this posts would follow.

August 6, 2009
Carole C. Schrade passed away peacefully yesterday (8/5/09) morning. She was surrounded by family...

When today's On This Day came up I thought it was interesting to see my process through grief.

August 5, 2010
Breckenridge Orchestra salute to Rodgers & Hammerstein has been a great (& tearful) way to remember my mom.

August 5, 2011
thinking about my mom. can't believe it's been two years.

August 5, 2012
Silence

August 5, 2013
Four years ago today my mom lost her battle with cancer. It is, of course, not the outcome I would have chosen. However, I'm amazed at all I've learned about my mom and myself in these four years. I've also experience relationship with the Lord in unimaginable intimate ways. So, even though I wouldn't have chosen it, I'm thankful for what I've learned from it.

August 5, 2014
All things work for good...

August 5, 2015
Six years ago today my mom lost her battle with uterine cancer.
Six years ago she received the most amazing healing of heaven.
I miss her everyday, but have found these two things to be thankful for:
1. Grieving my mom's death was hard because I had a good relationship with her. I didn't have to grieve for things left unsaid or unsettled.
2. In the process of my grief, I have come to know the Lord so intimately. In those early days of grief when the pain was raw, He showed himself in a thousand ways. He took, still takes, each step with me. I can say from deep within my soul, "the Lord is good".

It took me two years to begin to feel like myself again.
It took four year before I began to come to terms with my loss.

The latest lesson I've learned is recognizing grief when it comes and allowing myself to go through it. I haven't had another loss like my mom dying (thank God), but when friends move to the other end of the country, when co workers move on to different opportunities, even when I'm not able to make it to a party where I know all my friends will be. I allow myself to grieve.

Grief has been a companion for many years. I fought against her company, but I have come to accept she's always with me.

I can honestly say thankful for what she's taught me about myself and my God.

So I will share this on Facebook and next year when On This Day shows me this post, I will be reminded. I will be reminded of my process through grief.

I see you

Six months ago I took this picture.

Six months ago I made a commitment. I made commitment to let myself to be seen

really seen

Six months ago I made a commitment to see others. To say to them in either word or deed,

I see you.

I see you.

I gotta be honest with you. It's not been easy. I still have many days of hiding myself, making myself invisible, not letting myself be seen.

What I've noticed lately is how little I really see others around me.

During a conversation with a friend about the homeless, those begging for help. I heard myself say I heard myself reveal the darkness in my heart

Oh, I don't really see them. I don't see them.

Oh the darkness in my heart.

Today was a different kind of day.

Maybe it was grace.

Maybe it was the feeling of swimming in a familiar lake of grief,

marinating in my sadness and loss.

Today was a different kind of day.

Distracted by my self, my loss, my grief, my stress, my schedule I found myself not realizing the drive thru line had moved forward. The rumble and rev of the engine behind me jolted me back into the reality I was desperately trying to avoid, to escape. As I glanced into my rearview mirror, I saw their faces, hanging low. They looked tired, worn out. Heads hanging at the end of bent necks.

Pay for their order a familiar whisper came to me. My heart began to pound.

Pay for their order the whisper nudged. I'm learning to be obedient to the familiar whisper. The more I turn my ear to it, the more I hear it. The more I obey it, the easier it's become to recognize.

$7.18

Their order was $7.18. I rushed to the next window to claim my order and make an attempt to disappear before they realized, before they understood what's happened.

As I glanced again in the rearview mirror, I saw hands and arms reaching and waving thank you. The bright sun hid their faces, hid the heads that had hung low.

I made my way to the stoplight thinking it was done, but then I heard the rumble and rev of the engine again as they pulled along side me.

Windows down so I could hear, so I could see.

Heads that had hung low from bent necks were now held high.

At the end of extended arms were cups held high.

Smiles so bright.

So much joy.

Wet joy and thanksgiving began to pour from my eyes.

I got to be apart of this. I was seen and nudged to act.

I saw them.

I saw them.

What if you did that? What if everyday by word or deed you let someone know

I see you.

Isn't that what everyone is searching for?

To be seen.

To be seen for who they are

Not for their job, their gender or their skin

But for who they are

What if you stopped and let someone know

I see you.

Experiment in trust & obedience

In Februrary of this year I attended IF:Gathering in Austin, TX. It was two days of seeking God and beginning to discern how he wanted me to take the land as Joshua had. It the end of weekend we made our own ebeneezer, our own reminder of how God moved...and did he move.

IF exists to gather, equip and unleash women to the local church and communities. 

 

When I received my stone, I wrote IF:Coffee on it. Somewhat like IF:Table, I had started to invite the women of my neighborhood over for coffee. My intention was for us to get to know each other better and to create space for the Lord to move. I also thought I was supposed to host an IF:Local the following year. 
 

Oh me of little faith and puny plans.

While I was on the right path, I had no idea what God was going to do next.
 

In March, it was time again for Set Apart. This year I had the privilege to host one of our Keynote Speakers. She and a team had put together a travelling conference for women. You book them and they do the rest. As I was telling a friend at my church about the travelling conference, she asked if we were going to bring it to our church. I looked into having them come, but felt led in another direction. 

Why bring someone in? There are women at our church who can teach, who have stories to share, who can lead worship. I spent time in God's presence. If he was leading me to do an event like this, I wanted to be sure I heard right. My desire was for him to lead, for him to prompt each step. I thought I would make it an experiment in obedience and trust.

Gather the women from both campuses together.

My church has two campuses, but we are "one church". This is all kinds of complicated. Not only are there two campuses, but even more cultures. The Lord was leading me to an event where we would bring women from both campuses, from the different cultures together.

I decided to step out in faith.

To test the waters, I started to explain the vision for the event to friends at church. That I was feeling led to bring all the women together, to make space for the Holy Spirit to move, to kick-off our year.

Women caught the vision.

Next thing I knew we had a team of women who wanted to serve, who wanted to help make the vision a reality. IF had made such an impact on me. It was done so well and every piece was intentional. We decided to adopt the format of IF:Gathering for our gathering.

At our first meeting we talked about what our focus was going to be at the event. It quickly came and was agreed that we would focus on our identity in Christ.

In Christ, I am quickly became our focus. We decided to focus on Jesus Sees You (Luke 13:10-17) and You Have Value (Mark 5:21-43) for each session of the event.

In keeping with IF's format, we wanted to find women to teach, lead worship and share their stories of how God has moved in their lives. Finding teachers and worship leaders was a cinch. Finding women who don't usually find themselves speaking, much less sharing about themselves, in front of a large group of women proved to be more difficult. It wasn't until days before the event (literally three days) before we had all the women placed.

As you know, Attempting to Lose Control has been an anthem for me for the last few years. In this I really desired to walk by faith, to let the Holy Spirit lead. As we got closer to the event and still didn't have our story sharing women placed, I kept thinking of a woman from the Set Apart conference. She coordinates volunteers and as we get close to the event, she always says, "Lord, this is your problem. I've done all I can do. You know where the holes are, you need to bring the women to fill them." It became my prayer.

Lord, you know where our holes are. You know who you want to have share. I put it in your hands.

To be honest, there were several times during the last few weeks that I thought I was going to throw up because of nerves. I kept clinging, kept turning back to the Lord, but still very often felt a bit nauseous. The day of the event finally came.

I was at peace.

I WAS AT PEACE!

It was almost an unsettling peace. I wasn't worried or fretting about anything, which made me feel like I should worry and fret.

Go figure.

Finally the evening came. I'm not sure if I can even yet put it into words. He showed up.

He showed up!

The Lord came. There was a beautiful hum of conversation and laughter.

Then came the holy.

I wanted to take off my shoes. 

I thought of Mary. Don't get me wrong, I know I did not just give birth to the savior, but I couldn't help but think of Mary in the stable.

Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

The Lord had just allowed her to play a part in His plan, in what He was doing. She did her part, then she sat back and watch the Lord move again.

That's what I did. I had done my part (which mostly consisted of getting out of the way) and sat back and watched the Lord move again. 

He let me play a part. He let this controlling, striving woman play a part in what he was doing. 

The more I gave up control. 

The more I gave up striving. 

The more I stepped aside.

The more the Lord stepped in.

The experiment worked.

The Play is the Thing

The play is the thing. I don't know how many times I heard my theater director say that. Our focus, everything we do should be about the play because the play is the thing. When we're on stage and become self-conscience, we are no longer about the play. We are about ourselves. Everything needs to work toward the telling of the story of the play. The textures and cuts of the fabric are only important when they point toward the play. The mood set by the lighting should contribute to the telling of the story. The set should not distract from the story, but help tell the story because

the play is the thing

This all came back to me a few months ago. I was preparing to speak in front of a large group, of women. As I stood in front of the mirror that morning, I became increasingly insecure. I couldn't figure out why I felt that way. The day before I was speaking in front of these women. Why was I struggling today? It reminded me of a story Staci Eldridge told in her book Captivating. She and her husband, John, were on their way to an event. Staci found herself pulling down the visor, checking her lipstick and the applying more. She did this over and over. "What was I doing?" she asked herself. "I was afraid. At least if my makeup looks good, something deep inside me reasoned, maybe I won't be exposed. Found out. Seen." That was my fear. I was afraid of being exposed. That the shortcomings I try to keep hidden deep inside would be seen.

The play is the thing.

The Kingdom of God is the thing.

My focus was all on me. How I looked. What people would think of me. I wasn't about the Kingdom of God. I was about me.

There came a familiar prompting deep within my soul. Tell the women about your fear.

I'm sorry, what now Lord? Surely you don't mean I should stand in front of those women and actually tell them I'm afraid?!

Tell the women about your fear.

Obedience is something I've been attempting to practice lately. When God prompts, I (try to) obey.

Yes, Lord.

Tell the women about your fear. Tell them My kingdom is the thing.

Yes Lord.

So there I stood on stage doing my thing. In the end I could not not obey.

I told the women things were about to get real (I'm such a dork. things are about to get real? Who says that?!)

There I stood on stage in front of all 600 of them. 

I told them about getting ready.

I told them the play is the thing, the Kingdom of God is the thing.

Then I confesses that I was afraid. 

I confessed that I was making it about me. 

I confessed it needed to be about God.

Set yourself aside today. Let God draw close and show you what he has for you.

Obedence. It was my way of getting out of the way and letting 

the play be the thing, better yet letting

the Kingdom of God be the thing.

Mundane to Marvelous

Tonight I had the privilege of celebrating the coming of a new life. As the mother and father to be opened gifts, the giver of the gift would give a word of advice or a story of experience.

Don't feel bad to let the baby cry

Train the baby up in the ways of the Lord

Cherish the day to day

Take care of yourself so you can take care of the baby.

It was a beautiful night for celebrating a beautiful new family.


As I drove home, I thought about being a parent. If you know my story, you know that we worked and fought to bare our own children. For some reason, the Lord trusted two beautiful boys to us. Though they are years away from the baby stage, I let my mind drift back to the memories of them when they were born.

Both six weeks early

Both times I had to leave the hospital empty

Both spent time in the NICU

Both are now healthy...you'd never know they were preemies.

It was when our first was just over one. We were playing in the backyard when he got a curious look on his face.

He looked left.

He looked right.

Then he looked up.

A plane was flying overhead, leaving a streak across the sky. He raised his chubby little finger and began to grunt. He marveled at the plane flying overhead.

To me the sound of the plane engines were white noise. I'd seen and heard thousands of planes. It was mundane. In that moment I realized I get to rediscover the whole world through the eyes of my child, my children. What had grown to be mundane in my life suddenly because amazing and marvelous. That is one of the best gifts about raising a child.

It can turn the mundane to marvelous

A Taste of Surrender

As 2014 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on this year. Without a doubt, I have had an amazing year. 

If you look at it from the outside, you see my once in a life time trip to celebrate turing forty and a job that I absolutely love. On the inside there is so much more.

Surrender.

That word had hounded me, haunted me for the past two years. I've tried to run, but it has stayed hot on my heels. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Without borders?

Oh  how I have wanted to want that. How I want to want to let go, to surrender.

Will I (we) be called to go to Africa or the Middle East? Would I be willing to be obedient if we were?

I dared to take a taste of what surrender tastes like. I've put myself in the most uncomfortable situations this year. I've looked for ways to purposefully step out of my comfort zone. I've turned my ear to try to hear His voice in the soft whisper of the wind. When I heard it, I stepped out in obedience and oh the taste. I have  tasted and seen that the Lord is good.

The  God of the universe. The creator of heaven and earth has seen fit to allow this white, spoiled, over-pridleged, suburban woman play a part in what he's doing in the world. I am awe-struck.

The taste. The taste has left me hungry for more.

In 2015, I want to stay on the the heels of surrender. I want to see how this one turns out!