The Kingdom of God turns everything in our world upside down. The last is first, give and you will receive. I've heard this a lot lately in podcasts and at conferences, but I'm learning it applies to other areas as well.
Fear of Failure has stopped me in my tracks my whole life. Actually I would have to say fear has stopped me before I've even gotten started.
fear of failing
fear of looking weak
fear of being hurt
fear of being exposed
fear of being loved
fear of being rejected
fear of being abandoned
fear of myself
fear of others
fear of fear
I'm just full of it. I've talked about my extraordinary ability to awfulize. I think this is directly related to my fear. It has consumed me and I let it. I let it rob me of opportunities. I let it rob me of being all of who I am. I let it rob me of seeing God come and move and show himself. Well not any longer.
Don't get me wrong, I still have fear. I can go dark places fast, but I'm tired of being robbed of all the goodness God has for me.
Just today on Facebook a friend quoted a blogger who said, "Just because it's hard doesn't mean you heard God wrong." Yes! Yes! Yes! I would go even farther and say that even if you're not "successful", it doesn't mean you heard God wrong.
This lesson has taken me a loooong time to learn. The first failure I remember from when I thought I was being obedient was when I said I would lead a Bible study on Hosea. I bought the books. I made the cutest schedules and bookmarks. I stood at the table with the other study leaders and watched their lists fill while mine remained empty. EMPTY! No one, not one person signed up for the study! I was embarrassed. I thought for sure I was doing what God was leading me to do. I wanted to be obedient and honestly thought I was. Why was I failing? Why did no one sign up for the study? I have to be honest that other fears quickly took over. I was afraid I would do a horrible job leading , so there was some relief in that.
Have I mentioned that Positivity is one of my top five Strength Finders? I know, super fun right? I have a whole bunch of fears, but I can be super positive about them. I'm that person people hate to sit next to on a plane. I have an abundance of fears, I overshare, and I can be super positive. Seriously, pray for my friends. Pray for my husband!
This tension of fear and positivity plus my desire to be obedient has made for fun ride.
My most recent realization is that I transfer my fear into viewing my husband as unsupportive. Let me give you an example. We went to look at a property for Retreat House. The property would work beautifully for the big vision of what Retreat House will be. I was so freaked out that this is actually happening that fear began to take hold. I wasn't even completely aware of it. I just started to think about what it would take from Todd and me financially to make this go. I started telling myself that it wouldn't move forward because Todd would never go for that risk. I festered about it for the rest of the afternoon. When Todd got home that evening and asked what I thought about the property, he got a rambling of all I had been thinking, part of which was how I didn't feel like he was supportive and wouldn't take the risk needed. (I'm so lucky he takes his marriage vows seriously.) He sat down with me to look at financials (always a super fun topic in marriage, right?). We talked about some possibilities and I asked if he'd be willing and he said he is. I was humbled. I immediately apologized. God was gracious enough to let me see what I was doing. I confessed that I was freaking out about how big this is and was convincing myself that it was Todd who wasn't on board. It's not that I'm not being obedient. It's that my husband isn't supportive. Seriously, pray for my husband. He was so gracious!
I had to step back and remember what I've been learning. My success isn't in a well run, super busy business. I hope for that. I work toward that. I research and work to that end, but that is not where my success is. My success is taking steps in obedience, just taking one step at a time. My success is keeping my eyes focused on where God is leading this business called Retreat House. Therefore, my failure is no longer in Retreat House never being realized or not being financially viable. My failure is not taking the step. My failure is in not being obedient. That is upside down from this world in which we find ourselves living.
I'm so thankful the Kingdom of God turns everything in our world upside down. I can get on board with that. I can rest in that. I can step in obedience in that.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Retreat House MN - What is it?
The second question I get about Retreat House is What is it?
Simply put, Retreat House will be just that. A house used for retreats. Our vision is for better teams and communities. Our mission is to provide space for business, ministries and organizations to retreat and focus on education and team building.
The big, complete vision of Retreat House is to have a property where we can host teams for retreats, provide a community gathering space in a cafe or coffeehouse and minister to the working poor by providing low cost, short term housing to a family. We will use a three tier approach to work toward our big, complete vision of Retreat House.
Tier One:
We would provide a space for retreats. What would be the difference between our space and a community center or hotel? Our space wouldn't be sterile. It would feel like you're away, like you've driven hours to get out and away from the noise and busyness of the city, but have only driven 30-45 minutes. It's amazing how you can see defenses and walls fall when you get out of your usual office and gather in a comfortable and welcoming space. This will be where we begin because it is the heart of Retreat House. Let's gather. Let's talk. Let's get to know one another.
Tier Two:
We would open a community gather space in the form of a coffeehouse or cafe. Not only would this allow us to provide catering for our retreats, but it would give a space that is open to the public to gather on a regular basis. The kind of place where people in town come to gather around a table for coffee and to solve the world's problems.
Tier Three
We would provide low cost, short term housing for one working poor family. Our hope is to work with local churches to find a family that is too well off for a shelter, but not quite well enough off to obtain housing. The family would pay a low rent that would contribute to the maintenance of their housing, plus a portion of their rent would also be put into an account. The intention for the money in the account would for it to be used as a down payment or security deposit on permanent housing.
Values
There three values that will influence the way we approach Retreat House.
1. Radical Hospitality
The Rule of St Benedict 53:1-2, 15 states: “Let all guests who arrive be received like Christ, for he is going to say: I was a stranger and you welcomed me (Matt. 25:35). And to all let due honour be shown, especially to those who share our faith (Gal. 6:10) and to pilgrims. In the reception of the poor and pilgrims the greatest care and solicitude should be shown, because it is especially in them that Christ is received.”
2. Support organizations that work to provide jobs for people to make a living wage
When purchasing supplies and decorations for Retreat House, we will make every effort to make them through organizations like Feed My Starving Children, Trades of Hope, Thistle Farms, etc.
3. Partner and patronize other local, small business whenever possible
We will need services for maintaining the property, catering services, etc. We will start by looking at local, small businesses and whenever we are able, we will patronize them.
To accomplish our big, complete vision is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. The success of each tier will influence how soon we are able to begin working toward the next tier. We imagine it'll be at least 3-5 years between each tier. We hope to accomplish Tier One in 2017.
That is what Retreat House is. We're putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where doors open and God leads.
Thank you for coming along for the ride!
Let's see where it takes us!
Simply put, Retreat House will be just that. A house used for retreats. Our vision is for better teams and communities. Our mission is to provide space for business, ministries and organizations to retreat and focus on education and team building.
The big, complete vision of Retreat House is to have a property where we can host teams for retreats, provide a community gathering space in a cafe or coffeehouse and minister to the working poor by providing low cost, short term housing to a family. We will use a three tier approach to work toward our big, complete vision of Retreat House.
Tier One:
We would provide a space for retreats. What would be the difference between our space and a community center or hotel? Our space wouldn't be sterile. It would feel like you're away, like you've driven hours to get out and away from the noise and busyness of the city, but have only driven 30-45 minutes. It's amazing how you can see defenses and walls fall when you get out of your usual office and gather in a comfortable and welcoming space. This will be where we begin because it is the heart of Retreat House. Let's gather. Let's talk. Let's get to know one another.
Tier Two:
We would open a community gather space in the form of a coffeehouse or cafe. Not only would this allow us to provide catering for our retreats, but it would give a space that is open to the public to gather on a regular basis. The kind of place where people in town come to gather around a table for coffee and to solve the world's problems.
Tier Three
We would provide low cost, short term housing for one working poor family. Our hope is to work with local churches to find a family that is too well off for a shelter, but not quite well enough off to obtain housing. The family would pay a low rent that would contribute to the maintenance of their housing, plus a portion of their rent would also be put into an account. The intention for the money in the account would for it to be used as a down payment or security deposit on permanent housing.
Values
There three values that will influence the way we approach Retreat House.
1. Radical Hospitality
The Rule of St Benedict 53:1-2, 15 states: “Let all guests who arrive be received like Christ, for he is going to say: I was a stranger and you welcomed me (Matt. 25:35). And to all let due honour be shown, especially to those who share our faith (Gal. 6:10) and to pilgrims. In the reception of the poor and pilgrims the greatest care and solicitude should be shown, because it is especially in them that Christ is received.”
2. Support organizations that work to provide jobs for people to make a living wage
When purchasing supplies and decorations for Retreat House, we will make every effort to make them through organizations like Feed My Starving Children, Trades of Hope, Thistle Farms, etc.
3. Partner and patronize other local, small business whenever possible
We will need services for maintaining the property, catering services, etc. We will start by looking at local, small businesses and whenever we are able, we will patronize them.
To accomplish our big, complete vision is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. The success of each tier will influence how soon we are able to begin working toward the next tier. We imagine it'll be at least 3-5 years between each tier. We hope to accomplish Tier One in 2017.
That is what Retreat House is. We're putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where doors open and God leads.
Thank you for coming along for the ride!
Let's see where it takes us!
Thursday, February 9, 2017
So Let Go My Soul...
So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.
This song has been playing on repeat today.
Yesterday during a routine physical my doctor found a nodule in my right breast. Yep, the moment every woman dreads as her doctor kneads and presses into your breast. "I feel something." she said. I felt it too. I'd been having pain for the past four-ish months, but thought it was my new underwire bra or that I was overusing a muscle. Sure, that's it Angie. At my job I had even complained about the pain and joked that it was either an overused muscle...or breast cancer. Did you know I'm an awfulizer? I can take a situation to it's most awful end. I'd give you an example, but I really think I'm exposing enough my myself right now.
We, my doctor and I, had already decided that given my family history I should have a mammogram. I had my first one at the age of 35. The year my mom died. An actress who was fighting breast cancer gave credit to the fact that they wouldn't have been able to find the breast cancer in her 40's had she not had a baseline done when she was 35. Even though uterine cancer (what claimed my mom's life) and breast cancer aren't linked, I still felt urgency to get one. I'm glad I did.
The doctor didn't elaborate on whether or not she was concerned. She had said the nodule was smooth, not rough. I asked her if I should be worried (like anything after she said there was something in my breast would stop the awfulizing). She said her antenna didn't go up, but whenever there is any nodule in a breast you check it out. That sounded hopeful. She asked me at least a dozen times if I had any questions and I said no. I sent a text to Todd while I waited for the blood letting part of my appointment, made my mammogram appointment (for tomorrow) and left.
I burst into tears the moment the freezing air hit my face.
I was going to run errands. I had things to get done today.
I drove home. I wanted to numb. I wanted to distract. So I spent sometime with my friend Netflix.
Ron Swanson and Leslie Knope really took my mind off it for awhile, but I couldn't stay in Pawnee all day. I had a meeting.
I had decided I wasn't going to tell anyone (beyond my husband), but I was so scattered when I spoke at the meeting. I heard myself say it out loud. "During my physical this morning, my doctor from a lump in my right breast." Well that's all the flood gates needed to open. My friend (who I was meeting with) was great. She prayed for me and also spoke words of truth to me. She prayed for complete healing, that whatever was there would be an easy fix. Then she spoke words of truth. She reminded me that no matter the outcome, no matter, I would take things one step at a time and God would take those steps with me.
During the meeting my husband, who knows and loves me, called to make sure I wasn't stuck in a circle of awfulizing. Oh my goodness I married well. I also have the very best, most kindred friends. I reached out to a couple of friends who prayed for me and let me know that it's not uncommon to have a cyst in your breast that can be easily treated, even though it causes you to freak out. I love honest friends.
I went to bed thinking I wouldn't tell anyone else because it probably isn't anything serious.
When I woke up this morning, I felt the prayers of my friends. I felt the Lord present with me. I realized it's just not me to keep things to myself. I'm a share-er. Truth be told I'm an over share-er. I started listing to this song and worshiping.
through it all
through it all
my eyes are you
through it all
through it all
it is well
through it all
through it all
my eyes are you
and it is well
it is well
so let go my soul
and trust in Him
the waves and wind
still know His name
it is well
with my soul
I must proclaim
on this day where I am in limbo.
on this day where I hope for the best
on this day where I may still awfulize
on this day
I must proclaim that through it all, my eyes are on Him who's name is known by the waves and wind. I will trust in him. I will cling to him.
It is well with me.
This song has been playing on repeat today.
Yesterday during a routine physical my doctor found a nodule in my right breast. Yep, the moment every woman dreads as her doctor kneads and presses into your breast. "I feel something." she said. I felt it too. I'd been having pain for the past four-ish months, but thought it was my new underwire bra or that I was overusing a muscle. Sure, that's it Angie. At my job I had even complained about the pain and joked that it was either an overused muscle...or breast cancer. Did you know I'm an awfulizer? I can take a situation to it's most awful end. I'd give you an example, but I really think I'm exposing enough my myself right now.
We, my doctor and I, had already decided that given my family history I should have a mammogram. I had my first one at the age of 35. The year my mom died. An actress who was fighting breast cancer gave credit to the fact that they wouldn't have been able to find the breast cancer in her 40's had she not had a baseline done when she was 35. Even though uterine cancer (what claimed my mom's life) and breast cancer aren't linked, I still felt urgency to get one. I'm glad I did.
The doctor didn't elaborate on whether or not she was concerned. She had said the nodule was smooth, not rough. I asked her if I should be worried (like anything after she said there was something in my breast would stop the awfulizing). She said her antenna didn't go up, but whenever there is any nodule in a breast you check it out. That sounded hopeful. She asked me at least a dozen times if I had any questions and I said no. I sent a text to Todd while I waited for the blood letting part of my appointment, made my mammogram appointment (for tomorrow) and left.
I burst into tears the moment the freezing air hit my face.
I was going to run errands. I had things to get done today.
I drove home. I wanted to numb. I wanted to distract. So I spent sometime with my friend Netflix.
Ron Swanson and Leslie Knope really took my mind off it for awhile, but I couldn't stay in Pawnee all day. I had a meeting.
I had decided I wasn't going to tell anyone (beyond my husband), but I was so scattered when I spoke at the meeting. I heard myself say it out loud. "During my physical this morning, my doctor from a lump in my right breast." Well that's all the flood gates needed to open. My friend (who I was meeting with) was great. She prayed for me and also spoke words of truth to me. She prayed for complete healing, that whatever was there would be an easy fix. Then she spoke words of truth. She reminded me that no matter the outcome, no matter, I would take things one step at a time and God would take those steps with me.
During the meeting my husband, who knows and loves me, called to make sure I wasn't stuck in a circle of awfulizing. Oh my goodness I married well. I also have the very best, most kindred friends. I reached out to a couple of friends who prayed for me and let me know that it's not uncommon to have a cyst in your breast that can be easily treated, even though it causes you to freak out. I love honest friends.
I went to bed thinking I wouldn't tell anyone else because it probably isn't anything serious.
When I woke up this morning, I felt the prayers of my friends. I felt the Lord present with me. I realized it's just not me to keep things to myself. I'm a share-er. Truth be told I'm an over share-er. I started listing to this song and worshiping.
through it all
through it all
my eyes are you
through it all
through it all
it is well
through it all
through it all
my eyes are you
and it is well
it is well
so let go my soul
and trust in Him
the waves and wind
still know His name
it is well
with my soul
I must proclaim
on this day where I am in limbo.
on this day where I hope for the best
on this day where I may still awfulize
on this day
I must proclaim that through it all, my eyes are on Him who's name is known by the waves and wind. I will trust in him. I will cling to him.
It is well with me.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Retreat House MN
There are two questions I get about Retreat House:
1. How did you get here?
2.What is it?
Let me answer the first question here.
How did I get here?
You know, I have been asking myself this question for a couple of months. Trying to think back and figure out where this all started. I've even gone as far back as my freshman Social Studies class. Oh, I just lost some of you didn't I? I just had a flashback to Exposition of Genesis when we spend 6 weeks on 1-2. Not the chapters. We spent 6 weeks on Genesis 1:1-2. Seriously. Anyway, I'm not going to go into that kind of detail.
For more than a decade, I have had an idea in the back of my head. Wouldn't it be great to open a coffee shop/café that would be a community gathering place. You know the kind of place where the old men go to have coffee in the morning. A place where groups could meet for Bible study, team building or just catching up with each other. This idea of creating space for people to come and expecting God to come and move.
But let me start few years ago when I attended a leadership retreat. We were studying Luke 13 where Jesus heals the bent over women. What I had never noticed is that it doesn't tell us she pursued Jesus.
He saw her. HE saw her.
She wasn't invisible to Jesus. I'm not invisible to Jesus. I didn't even realize until that moment that I had felt invisible. I felt like I could drift away and no one would ever notice I was gone or that I had been there at all. At the end of the retreat, we were all to write a letter to ourselves that the speaker would mail to us at a later date. I cried when I wrote it. I cried when I received in the mail. I even cried again today when I read it.
Dear Angela, beloved one of God,
Remember how the Lord met you at this retreat. Even though you tried your best to hide, he still found you bent over [hiding] in your tent. He poked in His head and said, "My dear, dear daughter. I found you. I see you. You are not invisible!
Remember my love for you is like a hurricane, you are a tree. Bending under the wave of my wind, love and mercy. Believe me when I say that I will lead you with my hand. Accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
It's okay to hang exposed. I already know all of who you [are] and I love you. Come, sit with me. Sit knee to knee, toe to toe, brow to brow. Let me look into you. More importantly look at how you are in my eyes. My wonderfully made daughter, I have very special plans for us. I will be glorified and you will be blessed.
Remember who I am
Remember who and whose you are.
First let me apologize for the Crower Band song quote. That was the first time I had heard that song and it was so impactful to me. That part made me cry because it sounds so cheesy! But on with the story...
That weekend started me on a journey of seeing myself, allowing myself to be seen, and living in surrender to whatever God has for my life.
The speaker from the retreat agreed to meet with me and we began a mentoring relationship. Among other ways she has spoken into my life, she encouraged me to read Radical Hospitality. Hospitality is second nature to me. My mom was the "hostess with the mostess". But this book looked at hospitality in a different way. This book talks of Benedictine hospitality. It's about much more than serving coffee. It's about welcoming the stranger. It's about recognizing the image of God in another person.
More recently, God has used IF:Gathering to wreck me (in all the best ways) and the Lead Stories podcast to make me uncomfortable in the status quo of my life.
Before I attended IF in 2015, a burden for my neighbors began to weigh heavy on my heart. I desired to make space for my neighbors to come. To come for coffee with neighbors and conversation, but I also wanted to make space for God to lead and guide conversations. I didn't have anything formal planned. I didn't have any expectations, beyond that I expected God to come and move, rather I didn't have any expectations of my neighbors. At the end of IF, we were to write our next steps on a stone and pile it on the Ebenezer in the front of the venue. Mine said, "IF:Coffee". IF has IF:Table where you invite neighbors for a meal and conversation, but God reconfirmed my coffee with neighbors. When I returned home, I continued to host them and other neighbors even hosted a couple. My desire to create space for God to move continued.
In the time leading up to IF in 2016, I was beginning to realize I had myself shut up. I wasn't allowing anyone in. Mostly, I wasn't allowing my husband in. I wasn't allowing myself to be seen by him. I wasn't allowing myself to be loved by him. I was holding him at arms length. During IF that year, I realized not only was I not allowing myself to be seen by my husband, I wasn't allowing myself to be seen by God (which is ridiculous that I think I can hide from him) or others. As I peeled back my reasons of why I wasn't allowing myself to be seen, I realized it's because I was afraid. I was afraid of truly being seen, of being exposed. More specifically, I was afraid of being exposed as a phony. It wasn't as though I was going around telling lies about myself, but I was afraid if people were to see me, all of me, they would see something ugly inside that I (unconsciously) work so hard to hide. There was a tension. I realized we all want to be seen, but we don't want to be exposed. I guess I feared not being welcomed. I feared I wouldn't receive grace (I need so much grace). At the end of the conference that year, we were to write on a domino what we sensed God was leading us to do. The idea was that if we all did what was written on our domino, we would fall into the next person and there would be a domino effect of people obeying where God was leading. I wrote one word: SEEN. I was going to allow myself to be seen AND I was going see others.
During 2016 I was also listening to the Lead Stories Podcast. The hosts define leaders as anyone who has influence. They've shared their experiences in leadership and interviewed many people over the year. People who had taken steps in their lives. Small steps of obedience that have led them to serve God in a variety of ways. One interview in particular has come back to me several times over the year. They interviewed Gwen Adams who works with an organization called Priceless Alaska. She shared the story about how their organization started. There were a group of woman who wanted to help fight human trafficking in Alaska.
So they began to pray. And pray. And pray.
They prayed for nine months for God to lead them to where they could be involved in the fight. When he finally revealed how they could be involved, the timing was perfect. (You'll have to listen to the podcast for the rest of the story.) This and a other stories like it gave me confidence that as I seek God he will direct my small steps and direct them in His (perfect) timing.
This all sounds very clean and clear as I tell it now, but there were countless places I saw God working and tried to jump in and be a part of it. Each time I was pushed out. It was as though what God was doing was a river flowing. I kept jumping in the river, wanting to go where God was going, but I kept getting thrown out. Finally in frustration I shared my river analogy with someone. She reflected back to me that maybe I was trying to get in the wrong river. Just like large rivers have smaller rivers that feed into them, maybe there's a different small river I was supposed to get into. A small river that still flowed into the large river of what God was doing, but different than where I was trying to jump in.... As she spoke, her words resonated with my soul. I took time with God to pray and seek His wisdom and direction about this other river. One thing was clear. I needed to be still and know He is God.
Another bit of wisdom I heard was from Andy Stanley in his Leadership Podcast on Visioneering. He shared that he gets so many ideas for new ministries, etc, that sometimes he just needs to sit on them for about a month to see if he's still as excited about it when it first came to him. I think part of my problem was that I had been frantic, running after every idea I had or every place I saw God moving.
So I took time to breathe. I took time to just be. If you know me, I am a doer. I've often said that if someone could just tell me what I need to "do" to just "be", that would be great. But more than anything, I wanted to be obedient.
Then a local retreat space closed their physical space. It was such a loss for me personally. As word got round that they closed, I heard from others what a loss it was for them. Then there was a nudge that I could run a place like that. Okay. There's a nudge. I'm not going to jump in the river, I'm going to sit on it, keep it to myself for awhile. I went ahead and ordered Starting a Small Business for Dummies. I didn't think it would hurt to educate myself. Especially since I have never run a business and thought I never would. When I absent-mindedly left the book on the dining room table, my husband picked it up and asked if there was something we should talk about. I told him not yet.
Shortly after, I had lunch with a friend who, since graduating from seminary, hadn't found the right fit. I kept thinking about all the ways she's gifted and all the people I know who are gifted in different areas that would make for great sessions at a retreat house.
I should fast, I thought. I have lots-o-issues with food, so I went to two other things I spend a lot of time doing: Facebook and all things British. I decided to fast from them for a week and spend that time educating myself about starting a business and praying for God's wisdom and clarity.
By the end of the week, I knew I needed to talk to two people. I needed to talk to the owner of the retreat space that closed and my lunch friend.
To my astonishment, the owner agreed to meet with me. I had requested to know all the eyes wide open things about owning/running a retreat space. I got what I asked for. She told me all the things she wished she would have known before starting hers. She also warned me that had she known these things, she may not have done it. I assured her that those were exactly the kinds of things I wanted/needed to hear. For the next 45 minutes we talked about zoning, liability insurance, gathering a board, etc. It should have been the most discouraging, disappointing conversation. But I was not deterred. In my marrow I know that if this is God's thing, then he'll clear the obstacles (in his timing). If he doesn't remove the obstacles, I know I'm being obedient and that's what this is about, not the end result.
The next day I had lunch with my friend. My expectation was that I would share this vision/idea with her and give her time to think, pray and seek God about whether or not she wanted to be involved. We met at 11:30am and didn't leave the table until 2:30pm. We had a name and I was to go home and purchase our domain name and social media handles.
It's been a bit of a blur since then, but now we're busy preparing our business plan.
That is how I got here...
1. How did you get here?
2.What is it?
Let me answer the first question here.
How did I get here?
You know, I have been asking myself this question for a couple of months. Trying to think back and figure out where this all started. I've even gone as far back as my freshman Social Studies class. Oh, I just lost some of you didn't I? I just had a flashback to Exposition of Genesis when we spend 6 weeks on 1-2. Not the chapters. We spent 6 weeks on Genesis 1:1-2. Seriously. Anyway, I'm not going to go into that kind of detail.
For more than a decade, I have had an idea in the back of my head. Wouldn't it be great to open a coffee shop/café that would be a community gathering place. You know the kind of place where the old men go to have coffee in the morning. A place where groups could meet for Bible study, team building or just catching up with each other. This idea of creating space for people to come and expecting God to come and move.
But let me start few years ago when I attended a leadership retreat. We were studying Luke 13 where Jesus heals the bent over women. What I had never noticed is that it doesn't tell us she pursued Jesus.
He saw her. HE saw her.
She wasn't invisible to Jesus. I'm not invisible to Jesus. I didn't even realize until that moment that I had felt invisible. I felt like I could drift away and no one would ever notice I was gone or that I had been there at all. At the end of the retreat, we were all to write a letter to ourselves that the speaker would mail to us at a later date. I cried when I wrote it. I cried when I received in the mail. I even cried again today when I read it.
Dear Angela, beloved one of God,
Remember how the Lord met you at this retreat. Even though you tried your best to hide, he still found you bent over [hiding] in your tent. He poked in His head and said, "My dear, dear daughter. I found you. I see you. You are not invisible!
Remember my love for you is like a hurricane, you are a tree. Bending under the wave of my wind, love and mercy. Believe me when I say that I will lead you with my hand. Accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
It's okay to hang exposed. I already know all of who you [are] and I love you. Come, sit with me. Sit knee to knee, toe to toe, brow to brow. Let me look into you. More importantly look at how you are in my eyes. My wonderfully made daughter, I have very special plans for us. I will be glorified and you will be blessed.
Remember who I am
Remember who and whose you are.
First let me apologize for the Crower Band song quote. That was the first time I had heard that song and it was so impactful to me. That part made me cry because it sounds so cheesy! But on with the story...
That weekend started me on a journey of seeing myself, allowing myself to be seen, and living in surrender to whatever God has for my life.
The speaker from the retreat agreed to meet with me and we began a mentoring relationship. Among other ways she has spoken into my life, she encouraged me to read Radical Hospitality. Hospitality is second nature to me. My mom was the "hostess with the mostess". But this book looked at hospitality in a different way. This book talks of Benedictine hospitality. It's about much more than serving coffee. It's about welcoming the stranger. It's about recognizing the image of God in another person.
More recently, God has used IF:Gathering to wreck me (in all the best ways) and the Lead Stories podcast to make me uncomfortable in the status quo of my life.
Before I attended IF in 2015, a burden for my neighbors began to weigh heavy on my heart. I desired to make space for my neighbors to come. To come for coffee with neighbors and conversation, but I also wanted to make space for God to lead and guide conversations. I didn't have anything formal planned. I didn't have any expectations, beyond that I expected God to come and move, rather I didn't have any expectations of my neighbors. At the end of IF, we were to write our next steps on a stone and pile it on the Ebenezer in the front of the venue. Mine said, "IF:Coffee". IF has IF:Table where you invite neighbors for a meal and conversation, but God reconfirmed my coffee with neighbors. When I returned home, I continued to host them and other neighbors even hosted a couple. My desire to create space for God to move continued.
In the time leading up to IF in 2016, I was beginning to realize I had myself shut up. I wasn't allowing anyone in. Mostly, I wasn't allowing my husband in. I wasn't allowing myself to be seen by him. I wasn't allowing myself to be loved by him. I was holding him at arms length. During IF that year, I realized not only was I not allowing myself to be seen by my husband, I wasn't allowing myself to be seen by God (which is ridiculous that I think I can hide from him) or others. As I peeled back my reasons of why I wasn't allowing myself to be seen, I realized it's because I was afraid. I was afraid of truly being seen, of being exposed. More specifically, I was afraid of being exposed as a phony. It wasn't as though I was going around telling lies about myself, but I was afraid if people were to see me, all of me, they would see something ugly inside that I (unconsciously) work so hard to hide. There was a tension. I realized we all want to be seen, but we don't want to be exposed. I guess I feared not being welcomed. I feared I wouldn't receive grace (I need so much grace). At the end of the conference that year, we were to write on a domino what we sensed God was leading us to do. The idea was that if we all did what was written on our domino, we would fall into the next person and there would be a domino effect of people obeying where God was leading. I wrote one word: SEEN. I was going to allow myself to be seen AND I was going see others.
During 2016 I was also listening to the Lead Stories Podcast. The hosts define leaders as anyone who has influence. They've shared their experiences in leadership and interviewed many people over the year. People who had taken steps in their lives. Small steps of obedience that have led them to serve God in a variety of ways. One interview in particular has come back to me several times over the year. They interviewed Gwen Adams who works with an organization called Priceless Alaska. She shared the story about how their organization started. There were a group of woman who wanted to help fight human trafficking in Alaska.
So they began to pray. And pray. And pray.
They prayed for nine months for God to lead them to where they could be involved in the fight. When he finally revealed how they could be involved, the timing was perfect. (You'll have to listen to the podcast for the rest of the story.) This and a other stories like it gave me confidence that as I seek God he will direct my small steps and direct them in His (perfect) timing.
This all sounds very clean and clear as I tell it now, but there were countless places I saw God working and tried to jump in and be a part of it. Each time I was pushed out. It was as though what God was doing was a river flowing. I kept jumping in the river, wanting to go where God was going, but I kept getting thrown out. Finally in frustration I shared my river analogy with someone. She reflected back to me that maybe I was trying to get in the wrong river. Just like large rivers have smaller rivers that feed into them, maybe there's a different small river I was supposed to get into. A small river that still flowed into the large river of what God was doing, but different than where I was trying to jump in.... As she spoke, her words resonated with my soul. I took time with God to pray and seek His wisdom and direction about this other river. One thing was clear. I needed to be still and know He is God.
Another bit of wisdom I heard was from Andy Stanley in his Leadership Podcast on Visioneering. He shared that he gets so many ideas for new ministries, etc, that sometimes he just needs to sit on them for about a month to see if he's still as excited about it when it first came to him. I think part of my problem was that I had been frantic, running after every idea I had or every place I saw God moving.
So I took time to breathe. I took time to just be. If you know me, I am a doer. I've often said that if someone could just tell me what I need to "do" to just "be", that would be great. But more than anything, I wanted to be obedient.
Then a local retreat space closed their physical space. It was such a loss for me personally. As word got round that they closed, I heard from others what a loss it was for them. Then there was a nudge that I could run a place like that. Okay. There's a nudge. I'm not going to jump in the river, I'm going to sit on it, keep it to myself for awhile. I went ahead and ordered Starting a Small Business for Dummies. I didn't think it would hurt to educate myself. Especially since I have never run a business and thought I never would. When I absent-mindedly left the book on the dining room table, my husband picked it up and asked if there was something we should talk about. I told him not yet.
Shortly after, I had lunch with a friend who, since graduating from seminary, hadn't found the right fit. I kept thinking about all the ways she's gifted and all the people I know who are gifted in different areas that would make for great sessions at a retreat house.
I should fast, I thought. I have lots-o-issues with food, so I went to two other things I spend a lot of time doing: Facebook and all things British. I decided to fast from them for a week and spend that time educating myself about starting a business and praying for God's wisdom and clarity.
By the end of the week, I knew I needed to talk to two people. I needed to talk to the owner of the retreat space that closed and my lunch friend.
To my astonishment, the owner agreed to meet with me. I had requested to know all the eyes wide open things about owning/running a retreat space. I got what I asked for. She told me all the things she wished she would have known before starting hers. She also warned me that had she known these things, she may not have done it. I assured her that those were exactly the kinds of things I wanted/needed to hear. For the next 45 minutes we talked about zoning, liability insurance, gathering a board, etc. It should have been the most discouraging, disappointing conversation. But I was not deterred. In my marrow I know that if this is God's thing, then he'll clear the obstacles (in his timing). If he doesn't remove the obstacles, I know I'm being obedient and that's what this is about, not the end result.
The next day I had lunch with my friend. My expectation was that I would share this vision/idea with her and give her time to think, pray and seek God about whether or not she wanted to be involved. We met at 11:30am and didn't leave the table until 2:30pm. We had a name and I was to go home and purchase our domain name and social media handles.
It's been a bit of a blur since then, but now we're busy preparing our business plan.
That is how I got here...
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Anything? Even the Small Call?
The word anything has been very popular lately in the circles I find myself. I believe a lot of it has to do with Jennie Allen's book Anything. I have to admit I haven't yet read the book. However, I have attended the last two IF:Gatherings and have come away with what I believe the book is nudging us to do, live a life of surrender to God and what he has for my life.
Something you have to understand about me is I like attention. I'm the youngest in my family and have some of the common youngest personality traits; I'm good at avoiding work and I like attention. If you ask my sisters, they'll back this up. Goodness, my name plate at work says my title is Superstar Diva of Calvary the Musical.
So when I have prayed and surrendered, I fully expected that I was going to get a Jennie Allen type of call on my life. I fully thought the vision or call I sensed a couple decades earlier when I was watching Lucy Swindoll at Women of Faith would come to be. As I watched Lucy on the stage I felt God was telling me that was what he had for me, but there was more life for me to live first. Of course in my early twenty-something confidence I didn't want to wait, didn't understand what I could learn that I didn't already know. I was ready to go. Bring it on I told God. Oh my goodness. It's a good thing I didn't realize then all I needed (still need) to learn.
This time my surrender didn't come quick, but it did eventually come. Being in my early forties, I'm so aware of all I don't know. Fear, insecurity and laziness kept me from surrendering in the beginning, but those things began to be put aside and I stood surrendered.
Ok God, bring it. I'm ready. It was much like standing at the bank of a river. The river of what God is doing is flowing by me. I want to jump in, but I keep getting thrown back onto shore. It's like the Lego video games when you turn on invincibility. You try to jump off a cliff, building or into a river, but your little Lego person keeps getting spit back out. What was I supposed to do?
God began to burden my heart for victims of human trafficking. For whatever reason, Duluth was on my heart. I live in the Twin Cities and it would have been much more convenient to be burdened for here, but no it was Duluth. I even discovered a great ministry there, Life House. I stopped into the office and contacted them twice about wanting to get involved. No response came. I was thrown back onto the shore.
When I heard of two children in foster care that we have a connection to, I thought this could be it. This could be what God is calling me to do. This call had a built in confirmer. If God was really leading me in this direction, he'd need to change my husband's heart. He didn't. Thrown back on shore again.
It has been agonizing. My heart is broken for the broken people in this world. I'm at a point when I'm ready to get my hands dirty, ready to get into the trenches, ready to get uncomfortable, but I keep getting thrown out of the river. Where is this big call Lord? I'm here. I'm surrendering. I want to serve, but each time I jump in the river I get thrown back out.
A few months back I had a chance to attend a live taping of the Lead Stories podcast (it's a great podcast, you should check it out). Those of us in the audience were given a chance to ask questions. I got up and gave my river analogy. Then one of the hosts said something that was so clearly for me. She talked about how sometimes there are several small rivers that flow into larger rivers. Maybe (she told me to pray about this and I did) I was trying to get into the wrong small river. Maybe there is a different place God has for me to launch.
Her words were reassuring and confirming of what I had been experiencing with God. Is my call really not the big call river? Is my call the small call river?
Does my call not include being on stage? It doesn't seem to be that right now.
Does my call not include being a writer? Well it couldn't because I only have fractions of or pieces of books written. So it doesn't seem to be that right now.
Something you have to understand about me is I like attention. I'm the youngest in my family and have some of the common youngest personality traits; I'm good at avoiding work and I like attention. If you ask my sisters, they'll back this up. Goodness, my name plate at work says my title is Superstar Diva of Calvary the Musical.
So when I have prayed and surrendered, I fully expected that I was going to get a Jennie Allen type of call on my life. I fully thought the vision or call I sensed a couple decades earlier when I was watching Lucy Swindoll at Women of Faith would come to be. As I watched Lucy on the stage I felt God was telling me that was what he had for me, but there was more life for me to live first. Of course in my early twenty-something confidence I didn't want to wait, didn't understand what I could learn that I didn't already know. I was ready to go. Bring it on I told God. Oh my goodness. It's a good thing I didn't realize then all I needed (still need) to learn.
This time my surrender didn't come quick, but it did eventually come. Being in my early forties, I'm so aware of all I don't know. Fear, insecurity and laziness kept me from surrendering in the beginning, but those things began to be put aside and I stood surrendered.
Ok God, bring it. I'm ready. It was much like standing at the bank of a river. The river of what God is doing is flowing by me. I want to jump in, but I keep getting thrown back onto shore. It's like the Lego video games when you turn on invincibility. You try to jump off a cliff, building or into a river, but your little Lego person keeps getting spit back out. What was I supposed to do?
God began to burden my heart for victims of human trafficking. For whatever reason, Duluth was on my heart. I live in the Twin Cities and it would have been much more convenient to be burdened for here, but no it was Duluth. I even discovered a great ministry there, Life House. I stopped into the office and contacted them twice about wanting to get involved. No response came. I was thrown back onto the shore.
When I heard of two children in foster care that we have a connection to, I thought this could be it. This could be what God is calling me to do. This call had a built in confirmer. If God was really leading me in this direction, he'd need to change my husband's heart. He didn't. Thrown back on shore again.
It has been agonizing. My heart is broken for the broken people in this world. I'm at a point when I'm ready to get my hands dirty, ready to get into the trenches, ready to get uncomfortable, but I keep getting thrown out of the river. Where is this big call Lord? I'm here. I'm surrendering. I want to serve, but each time I jump in the river I get thrown back out.
A few months back I had a chance to attend a live taping of the Lead Stories podcast (it's a great podcast, you should check it out). Those of us in the audience were given a chance to ask questions. I got up and gave my river analogy. Then one of the hosts said something that was so clearly for me. She talked about how sometimes there are several small rivers that flow into larger rivers. Maybe (she told me to pray about this and I did) I was trying to get into the wrong small river. Maybe there is a different place God has for me to launch.
Does my call not include being on stage? It doesn't seem to be that right now.
Does my call not include being a writer? Well it couldn't because I only have fractions of or pieces of books written. So it doesn't seem to be that right now.
Does my call include loving and serving my neighbors? Yes
Does my call include loving and serving my family? Yes
Does my call include serving and supporting those with "big calls" on their life? Yes
Does my call include loving and serving my husband and children when they are driving me crazy? Yes
Does it include staying in my job at my church even when I don't think I can take seeing the underbelly (that every church has-come on, it's full of humans) of it anymore? Yes
This so called small call starts to not feel very small. It starts to feel monotonous, mundane. It feels like only by the grace of God will I get through this day kind of call.
But this is where I'm called. This is where I'm called to love, serve and support. It's not always an easy call and I'm not going to lie, I still secretly hope for a big call, but here I am. I've made it to a different small river, a river that feels even smaller then the other small river, but you know what? I'm still part of what God is doing. This smaller than small river is about what God us doing and not about the size of a call or about me. It's about living for the one who loves me and gave himself for me. Today that is enough.
Friday, August 5, 2016
Process Through Grief
Usually I love the On This Day app on Facebook. It's so fun to see what I posted in past years. It's been great to see posts I made about fun things my boys did when they were younger (and to get them in their baby books. That's something I could quite get done while chasing them around the house).
This week has been different.
This week has been a reminder of my mom's last week with us.
August 2, 2009
God hath not promised skies always blue, Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, Joy without sorrow, peace without pain. BUT God hath promised strength for the day, Rest for the labor, light for the way, Grace
August 3, 2009
When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows rolls. What ever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, "It is well, It is well with my soul"...Easier said than done, but I'm trying.
August 4, 2009
Mom has taken a turn. The Hospice nurse thinks it'll be days. Thank you so much for all your prayers. They are carrying us through.
When I made these posts, I didn't know she would go so soon.
I didn't know this posts would follow.
August 6, 2009
Carole C. Schrade passed away peacefully yesterday (8/5/09) morning. She was surrounded by family...
When today's On This Day came up I thought it was interesting to see my process through grief.
August 5, 2010
Breckenridge Orchestra salute to Rodgers & Hammerstein has been a great (& tearful) way to remember my mom.
August 5, 2011
thinking about my mom. can't believe it's been two years.
August 5, 2012
Silence
August 5, 2013
Four years ago today my mom lost her battle with cancer. It is, of course, not the outcome I would have chosen. However, I'm amazed at all I've learned about my mom and myself in these four years. I've also experience relationship with the Lord in unimaginable intimate ways. So, even though I wouldn't have chosen it, I'm thankful for what I've learned from it.
August 5, 2014
All things work for good...
August 5, 2015
Six years ago today my mom lost her battle with uterine cancer.
Six years ago she received the most amazing healing of heaven.
I miss her everyday, but have found these two things to be thankful for:
1. Grieving my mom's death was hard because I had a good relationship with her. I didn't have to grieve for things left unsaid or unsettled.
2. In the process of my grief, I have come to know the Lord so intimately. In those early days of grief when the pain was raw, He showed himself in a thousand ways. He took, still takes, each step with me. I can say from deep within my soul, "the Lord is good".
It took me two years to begin to feel like myself again.
It took four year before I began to come to terms with my loss.
This week has been different.
This week has been a reminder of my mom's last week with us.
August 2, 2009
God hath not promised skies always blue, Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, Joy without sorrow, peace without pain. BUT God hath promised strength for the day, Rest for the labor, light for the way, Grace
August 3, 2009
When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows rolls. What ever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, "It is well, It is well with my soul"...Easier said than done, but I'm trying.
August 4, 2009
Mom has taken a turn. The Hospice nurse thinks it'll be days. Thank you so much for all your prayers. They are carrying us through.
When I made these posts, I didn't know she would go so soon.
I didn't know this posts would follow.
August 6, 2009
Carole C. Schrade passed away peacefully yesterday (8/5/09) morning. She was surrounded by family...
When today's On This Day came up I thought it was interesting to see my process through grief.
August 5, 2010
Breckenridge Orchestra salute to Rodgers & Hammerstein has been a great (& tearful) way to remember my mom.
August 5, 2011
thinking about my mom. can't believe it's been two years.
August 5, 2012
Silence
August 5, 2013
Four years ago today my mom lost her battle with cancer. It is, of course, not the outcome I would have chosen. However, I'm amazed at all I've learned about my mom and myself in these four years. I've also experience relationship with the Lord in unimaginable intimate ways. So, even though I wouldn't have chosen it, I'm thankful for what I've learned from it.
August 5, 2014
All things work for good...
August 5, 2015
Six years ago today my mom lost her battle with uterine cancer.
Six years ago she received the most amazing healing of heaven.
I miss her everyday, but have found these two things to be thankful for:
1. Grieving my mom's death was hard because I had a good relationship with her. I didn't have to grieve for things left unsaid or unsettled.
2. In the process of my grief, I have come to know the Lord so intimately. In those early days of grief when the pain was raw, He showed himself in a thousand ways. He took, still takes, each step with me. I can say from deep within my soul, "the Lord is good".
It took me two years to begin to feel like myself again.
It took four year before I began to come to terms with my loss.
The latest lesson I've learned is recognizing grief when it comes and allowing myself to go through it. I haven't had another loss like my mom dying (thank God), but when friends move to the other end of the country, when co workers move on to different opportunities, even when I'm not able to make it to a party where I know all my friends will be. I allow myself to grieve.
Grief has been a companion for many years. I fought against her company, but I have come to accept she's always with me.
I can honestly say thankful for what she's taught me about myself and my God.
So I will share this on Facebook and next year when On This Day shows me this post, I will be reminded. I will be reminded of my process through grief.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
I see you
Six months ago I took this picture.
Six months ago I made a commitment. I made commitment to let myself to be seen
really seen
Six months ago I made a commitment to see others. To say to them in either word or deed,
I see you.
I see you.
I gotta be honest with you. It's not been easy. I still have many days of hiding myself, making myself invisible, not letting myself be seen.
What I've noticed lately is how little I really see others around me.
During a conversation with a friend about the homeless, those begging for help. I heard myself say I heard myself reveal the darkness in my heart
Oh, I don't really see them. I don't see them.
Oh the darkness in my heart.
Today was a different kind of day.
Maybe it was grace.
Maybe it was the feeling of swimming in a familiar lake of grief,
marinating in my sadness and loss.
Today was a different kind of day.
Distracted by my self, my loss, my grief, my stress, my schedule I found myself not realizing the drive thru line had moved forward. The rumble and rev of the engine behind me jolted me back into the reality I was desperately trying to avoid, to escape. As I glanced into my rearview mirror, I saw their faces, hanging low. They looked tired, worn out. Heads hanging at the end of bent necks.
Pay for their order a familiar whisper came to me. My heart began to pound.
Pay for their order the whisper nudged. I'm learning to be obedient to the familiar whisper. The more I turn my ear to it, the more I hear it. The more I obey it, the easier it's become to recognize.
$7.18
Their order was $7.18. I rushed to the next window to claim my order and make an attempt to disappear before they realized, before they understood what's happened.
As I glanced again in the rearview mirror, I saw hands and arms reaching and waving thank you. The bright sun hid their faces, hid the heads that had hung low.
I made my way to the stoplight thinking it was done, but then I heard the rumble and rev of the engine again as they pulled along side me.
Windows down so I could hear, so I could see.
Heads that had hung low from bent necks were now held high.
At the end of extended arms were cups held high.
Smiles so bright.
So much joy.
Wet joy and thanksgiving began to pour from my eyes.
I got to be apart of this. I was seen and nudged to act.
I saw them.
I saw them.
What if you did that? What if everyday by word or deed you let someone know
I see you.
Isn't that what everyone is searching for?
To be seen.
To be seen for who they are
Not for their job, their gender or their skin
But for who they are
What if you stopped and let someone know
I see you.
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